1. Ted Cruz – The greatest feeling of accomplishment you’ve felt in the last year was when you ripped off Warby Parker by ordering a pair of glasses for home-try on and then cancelling your credit card once they arrived.
  2. Donald Trump - You see Immortan Joe as the hero of Mad Max: Fury Road
  3. Marco Rubio – Your guilty pleasure is sometimes pouring a splash of coffee into your morning milk.
  4. Chris Christie – You pine for the days when you’d go to the video store Friday night and ask the clerk for a recommendation and then return Saturday night to let them know how much you hated whatever they suggested.
  5. Jeb! – You’re the nanny who raised him.
  6. Carly Fiorina – As a child you preferred Go-Bots to Transformers, because the Transformer’s mythology was too convoluted.
  7. Rand Paul – You’ll finally be ready to move into your storage locker and declare it an independent nation as soon as your brother returns your crockpot.
  8. John Kasich – The highlight of your year is hanging around the parking lot of a seasonal pop-up Halloween store giving people unsolicited monster make-up advice.
  9. Ben Carson – You are a liberal democrat