JOBS I HAVE HAD, RANKED
I'm a hard working man. Ah, what a life it has been.
- •Auto MechanicI will never forget the first time I fixed a stranger's car. His airbag had deployed earlier that day when he drove into a guardrail. I simply grabbed the ejected bag and yanked it til it detached from the dashboard. I disposed of it in a nearby recycling bin. Problem solved--and with a smile!
- •Art Museum AppreciatorI would walk by and comment on each piece, saying either "I notice the color of the dog's hair," or, "Wow, this one reminds me of the pastoral tradition!" I could never quite think of anything else to say, so I decided to quit.
- •Riding Bike While Also Considering Why My Aunt is Such a Brainless HussyMy uncle landed me this job.
- •Restaurant Decorator's AssistantI found the best fake flowers in town and gave them to my boss, the Chief Restaurant Decorator (CRD). I once asked if I could bring in a few real flowers, you know, to spice things up. They fired me the next day.
- •ListenerThis was by far my favorite job involving ears. I listened to many things including audiobooks, the radio, and Miss Carlisle's sins through the door of the confessional.
- •FatherI have impregnated 11 different women. I do not have a favorite child, although I give Henry the most money for Christmas because his mother is a black belt who likes to hold grudges.
- •Meat ValidatorPeople would bring me different items on the corner of Hawkins and 35th street, and I would tell them whether or not their item was meat. "Yes, this is meat," or, "No. I am sorry, but this is not meat." I quit the day someone brought me a McRib, for my inability to answer was simply too much to handle.
- •Idea Man for my friend RaulRaul wanted to write a TV show but suffered from a rare disease that prevented him from having any ideas. I suggested a Pokemon/TMNT merger called "Ninja Squirtles." Raul submitted the idea to several places in California. No one accepted it, but one guy told him to fuck off.