JOBS I HAVE HAD, RANKED

I'm a hard working man. Ah, what a life it has been.
  1. 1.
    Auto Mechanic
    I will never forget the first time I fixed a stranger's car. His airbag had deployed earlier that day when he drove into a guardrail. I simply grabbed the ejected bag and yanked it til it detached from the dashboard. I disposed of it in a nearby recycling bin. Problem solved--and with a smile!
  2. 2.
    Art Museum Appreciator
    I would walk by and comment on each piece, saying either "I notice the color of the dog's hair," or, "Wow, this one reminds me of the pastoral tradition!" I could never quite think of anything else to say, so I decided to quit.
  3. 3.
    Riding Bike While Also Considering Why My Aunt is Such a Brainless Hussy
    My uncle landed me this job.
  4. 4.
    Restaurant Decorator's Assistant
    I found the best fake flowers in town and gave them to my boss, the Chief Restaurant Decorator (CRD). I once asked if I could bring in a few real flowers, you know, to spice things up. They fired me the next day.
  5. 5.
    Listener
    This was by far my favorite job involving ears. I listened to many things including audiobooks, the radio, and Miss Carlisle's sins through the door of the confessional.
  6. 6.
    Father
    I have impregnated 11 different women. I do not have a favorite child, although I give Henry the most money for Christmas because his mother is a black belt who likes to hold grudges.
  7. 7.
    Meat Validator
    People would bring me different items on the corner of Hawkins and 35th street, and I would tell them whether or not their item was meat. "Yes, this is meat," or, "No. I am sorry, but this is not meat." I quit the day someone brought me a McRib, for my inability to answer was simply too much to handle.
  8. 8.
    Idea Man for my friend Raul
    Raul wanted to write a TV show but suffered from a rare disease that prevented him from having any ideas. I suggested a Pokemon/TMNT merger called "Ninja Squirtles." Raul submitted the idea to several places in California. No one accepted it, but one guy told him to fuck off.