Methods of Fitbit Sabotage
I entered a corporate office Fitbit competition and I really want to win. Here are a few ways I plan on doing it.
- •Attach FB to leg of stranger's dogI don't mind the small stride of a pup if I'm getting double the steps from a stranger's four legged friend
- •Attach FB to arm of electronic Santa ClausI sit at a desk all day for my job, thus losing copious amounts of precious step time. Attaching my Bit to this little fellow under my desk will keep a steady step influx while also prolonging holiday cheer
- •Do 20 jumping jacks before, during, and after every meal.This will help me win the fitness and/or heart rate awards. 3 meals. 3 sets of 20 JJ's. That's 180 JJ's a day.
- •Roll dice ONLY with my FB-wearing armI have been playing a lot of Yahtzee lately, and I've learned that an aggressive roll of the dice can produce 1 to 3 Fitbit steps. I vow never to roll with my dominant hand again; I will use only my left hand and wrist, on which my Fitbit lies.
- •Virtually disable my right handMy right wrist sports no Fitbit. Therefore, it shall not be used. In all possible scenarios, I will use my left hand in order to jiggle the Fitbit more frequently, effectively racking up more false steps throughout the day.
- •Attach FB to rotating vinylGotta boost up those miles somehow. I have done the the math and (at 78 rotations per minute) one complete rotation of Lionel Richie's album "Dancing on the Ceiling" yields 6,240 feet of travel distance. I will play this throughout the night, every night, until the competition is over.
- •Emotionally injure opponentsI am pretty new at this office but I think I know enough about my coworkers to make a few pretty lethal jabs to their self confidence. For example: during lunch today, I may bring up Bryan's messy divorce. He will probably be so uncomfortable and sad that he won't eat a lot of the tuna salad I saw him bring in this morning. He will then have depleted energy and will most likely be depressed, thus walking way less steps than he would have if I had never brought up his ex-wife in front of everyone
- •Emotionally injure BrianThe more I think about it, taking down one specific employee is a good scare tactic for the rest of the office. I will print out the honeymoon pictures of Brian's ex-wife & her new husband Mark, because I am friends with Lisa (Brian's ex-wife) on Facebook. I will post these pictures all over Brian's cubicle with captions like "Mark > Brian" and I will give Lisa a huge speech bubble that says "I really missed my Mark when I married Brian." I'll also pour gravy in Bryan's boots if I get the chance