Best Names, Football Edition

  1. Dick Butkus
    The gold standard.
  2. Chuck Long
    The aptronym. He played quarterback. His dentist is named Rip Bucuspid, his tax attorney Bill Doubleyou The 4th.
  3. Jim Bob Cooter
    An offensive quality control coach in the NFL, which is perfect because his name is quality but also offensive.
  4. Barkevious Mingo, D'Brickashaw Ferguson
    The names that launched a thousand Key and Peele sketches.
  5. Chase Blackburn
    A country club pirate.
  6. Gary Hogeboom, Jim Jeffcoat
    When football players in the 80s were named after 19th century British haberdashers.
  7. Nnamdi Asomugha
    I bet you assumed he'd be in this list. You know what happens when you assume? You make an asomugha out of u and gha!!! he's Mr. Kerry Washington!!!!
  8. Red Grange, Bronco Nagurski, Knute Rockne
    Old timey-voice name generator. Try Old Man Nagurski's Magic Elixir: Red Grange's cure for Halitosis. Kiss your bad breath goodbye and Mrs. Knute Rockne good morning!
  9. Cap Boso
    That time you saw him on Monday Night Football with a wad of grass in his helmet and you found out his name was Cap Boso was the first time you said "Re-dun-dant!" in that song songy voice of yours.
  10. Fair Hooker, Lucious Pucey, Buzz Nutter, Quentin Jammer
    "That's what?!" She said.
  11. Harry Colon
    Should get that checked out.
  12. Brian Piccolo
    He's my best friend.
    Suggested by   @donnie