Let's go around these horns.
  1. Dead Stinkin' Last: Montreal Canadiens. Kia Sportage running over rubber duckie.
  2. #30. Pittsburgh Penguins. Church organist sitting on keys.
  3. #29 Tampa Bay Lightning. Unmemorable except that it sounds like Toronto's.
  4. #28. Toronto Maple Leafs. I'm gonna go ahead and say it's the same as Tampa's but more rare.
  5. #27. San Jose Sharks. Bassy but unsure. Child impersonating parent on phone with teacher.
  6. #26. St. Louis Blues. Not even the staccato grace note in the middle could save the way "Saints Go Marching In" mutilates this horn.
  7. #25. Winnipeg Jets. Vintage train horn but the music comes in too fast. If you don't trust your horn why should we?
  8. #24. Colorado Avalanche. Frustrating. The Horn is suboptimal, but that submarinal tone at the back end is fantastic. Give us more of that!
  9. #23. Vancouver Canucks. Whelming regular sound, underwhelming postsound.
  10. #22. Anaheim Ducks. Tubular yet timid. The mute button is louder than this.
  11. #21. Buffalo Sabres. Premature and rushed. Like it's saying "...Uh...(cough)...Honestly that's never happened before...."
  12. #20. Calgary Flames. Over exerting itself. It's not sure it's going to make it.
  13. #19. Boston Bruins. Bold but stingy. Wanted one more toot.
  14. #18. Columbus Blue Jackets. Really daring note change in first measure, then it's over before you know it and it's AC/DC time. Pts for canon fire. All in all flummoxing.
  15. #17. New York Rangers. Elitist. Hockey sweater up top, suit pants down below.
  16. #16. New York Islanders. You know that new sound you been looking for, well listen to this. Brooklyn's first horn, though I still think they should have gone with my Uncle Joe yelling "Yo!"
  17. #15. Florida Panthers. Welcome to the middle.
  18. #14. Carolina Hurricanes. Throaty and explosive but a little more surprised to blow than you'd like in a goal horn. "A Carolina Hurricane goal question mark?"
  19. #13. Edmonton Oilers. Charles Bronson leaning on the horn of his El Camino on Mulholland.
  20. #12. Philadelphia Flyers. Over impressed with itself over its length but wow what length!
  21. #11. New Jersey Devils. Classic 18 wheeler. Grade school kids on the bus on the Turnpike asked for it and got it and are going crazy.
  22. #10. Ottawa Senators. So unique it works. 5 horns with reckless disregard for tempo. Someone with no musical training came up with this. I respect that.
  23. #9. Detroit Red Wings. Classy, brassy but a touch of when a singer pretends to hold a note for a long time but you catch them taking a breath.
  24. #8. Washington Capitals. They went with sirens over horns. Having lived in DC for a while that's the right call.
  25. #7. LA Kings. Mellifluous and melodious with a glorious upper register but I'm not totally sure I know what it's saying. The Michael McDonald of goal horns.
  26. #6. Arizona Coyotes. Total Package Horn into Howl into Song. Bring it home to Mama and buy new underpants this ones a keeper.
  27. #5. Nashville Predators. Savage. Evil intentioned. On the surface similar to others but has the will to do what others won't.
  28. #4. Dallas Stars. A projectile vomit of dissonance. Wonderful.
  29. #3. Chicago Blackhawks. Supremely Confident. Regal. All knowing. Takes out just enough to win. A gun at a knife fight.
  30. #2. Minnesota Wild. Recklessly loud, delusionally ambitious, unique. Spontaneous and tempestuous. Trendsetter. More Tenacious than an iTunes update.
  31. #1. Now defunct but always #1: Quebec Nordiques. This is perfection. Starts low, grabs you by the larynx and then chainsaws your face. You look down at your feet to see a pool of blood. You notice your mouth is in it. It's smiling.