Raised Catholic but not really a church goer. However, at Christmas I let my dad guilt me into going to mass.
  1. β€’
    How long will this go?
  2. β€’
    Can we sit down yet?
  3. β€’
    What is this particular story about?
  4. β€’
    Are they trying to kill me with all this incense?
    Followed up with: where is my inhaler?
  5. β€’
    Why are there Christmas trees in the church? πŸŽ„
    They believe it's about the birth of Jesus not trees and Santa.
  6. β€’
    What is happening on the Internet? πŸ“±
    Jesus doesn't like it when you pull your phone out at mass. Neither do any of the old ladies who shoot you dirty looks when you do. This also might be the only reason to own an Apple Watch. It's perfectly acceptable to look at your watch.
  7. β€’
    Is this almost over?
  8. β€’
    Would people be offended if I didn't shake their hands?
    Shaking hands at church is asking to get sick. Someone there is always sick and hacking up a lung. No thanks.
  9. β€’
    What is the nutritional content of a communion wafer?
    Is it gluten free? I'm not gluten free but I wonder because it passes the time.
  10. β€’
    Why the hell would you want to drink wine out of the same glass as 48294 strangers? 🍷
    That is disgusting.
  11. β€’
    Is this almost over?
  12. β€’
    Where is the bathroom?
    Because I can go hide in there.
  13. β€’
    Why must people sing during mass?
    The people sitting closet to you are almost always tone deaf. Also, why is singing at mass even a thing?
  14. β€’
    Is it over yet?
  15. β€’
    I wonder what the alter children must be thinking.
    They all look so miserable.
  16. β€’
    Holy Water is like dirty bath water.
    Everyone sticks their hand in that same bowl of water. Uhhh no thanks.
  17. β€’
    Finally it's over!
    Merry Christmas.