I have never been what the kids call "chill"
  1. When I drop an ice cube on the kitchen floor
    The world is ending
  2. When they accidentally put mayo on my sandwich
    End me
  3. When someone honks at me
    Pulling over and never driving again
  4. When someone cockblocks me (or the female equivalent) while drunk
    You deserve to die
  5. The 30 seconds before I take a shot of alcohol
    Omg omg I'm gonna throw up
  6. When Netflix gives me sass
    The fuk u think I went?
  7. When my parents bring up money/loans/debt
  8. When my mom asks about my job search
    Brb playing in traffic
  9. When it becomes clear that I will not be at least 5 mins early
    I don't deserve to live anymore
  10. When a tweet I was particularly proud of doesn't get any love
    *texts everyone in contacts* "guys I'm funny right???"
  11. When my team loses at trivia, catch phrase, anything and it's not my fault
    Yea u better be fuckin' sorry
  12. When nobody at the bar wants to make out with me
    🎵 I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me 🎵