We're all doomed
  1. Sexy Baby Syndrome
    Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez, Kylie Jenner: Are we supposed to fuck you or give you a ba-ba?
  2. Whiskey Dick Disorder
    Not only affects the owner of said dick but the person that goes home with them and ends up giving a THREE HOUR BLOW JOB to no end. Switch to water or chop off your dick idc the choice is yours.
  3. Baggy Butt Condition
    Pull up your pants, get a belt, buy clothes that fit you are all proven ways to combat this very treatable yet very widespread affection.
  4. Dying Phone Debility
    Symptoms: Anxiety, FOMO, mild depression. No cure unless you want to be plugged in 24-7. Yesterday I asked, "Is there an outlet near the toilet?"
  5. General Ghosting: Type A
    Did they just hate me or did they die?
  6. Contagion of Hipster Fumes (Airborne)
    Perpetuated by those who go to punk shows in glorified frat house basements and neglect to bathe because ugh too mainstream and ugh the environment. Potential "patient zero" is girl I know who captioned an Instagram photo of herself on top of a mountain with "I only showered 9 times this year."
  7. Elevated Unemployment for College Graduates
    You have nothing to offer beside a piece of paper? Hard pass.