Lifetime Movie Titles that Tell the Story of My Adolescence

  1. Sexting in Suburbia
    On my mini laptop
  2. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger
    Can I sleep at my boyfriend's house after prom?
  3. Hostile Makeover
    When my mom told me I had a mustache and waxed my upper lip
  4. Killing Daddy
    He deserves it after cheating on my mom
  5. The Perfect Boyfriend
    Everyone knew he was gay but me
  6. Friends 'Til the End
    Or so I thought until you called me on the last day of 7th grade from a party I wasn't invited to and told me I was fat and ugly on speakerphone
  7. Don't Touch My Daughter
    My stepdad when a boy came over and he would pretend to "polish" the decorative sword he owns
  8. Dirty Teacher
    My goth middle school social studies teacher who left yellow fingerprints on our handouts
  9. I do (But I Don't)
    Want to drink alcohol (but it tastes bad? I'll get in trouble?)
  10. Fugitive at 17
    Stole a full bottle of vodka from my dad's liquor cabinet
  11. Like Dandelion Dust
    Akin to the nonsense poems I would write during my hostess shifts
  12. Lies my Mother Told Me
    You can die from anal sex
  13. Wisegal
    Still me