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- •Duck/duckingClassic. Doesn't faze me at all.
- •ClotThe absolute worst, please kill me now
- •TotsGreat, now I'm hungry
All Natural, Non-prescription goodness
- •ExerciseYou'll fall asleep faster and sleep longer if you're worn the fuck out
- •SunlightThis is absolutely true. Exposure to sunlight helps regulate sleep patterns. Also, avoiding artificial light when you're in bed will help (like your phone screen, iPad, tv, etc)
- •OrgasmsSeriously the best medicine. Can't sleep? Get👏🏽Your👏🏽Wank👏🏽On👏🏽
- •Almost wrecking because you weren't paying attentionYour car or life or whatever
- •Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirrorAnd being appropriately mortified
- •Reading old social media postsRealizing that you are creature of [sick] habit
- •Books I read
- •Books I abandoned after several chapters
- •Naps taken
This isn't candid. It's calculated.
- •This is the best of 16 photos taken in my bathroom.
- •I stood with my arm extended and hand tilted in such a way as to get the most slimming angle that could also pass as natural.
- •My head is turned to the side and part of my cheek is obscured by hair to hide the sheer width of my face.
- •A pay for play app where in-game currency is purchased with physical exertionLike it links to your Fitbit or Apple Watch and you "pay" with your steps or calories burned or something
- •AladdinReimagining of Disney's Aladdin where Aladdin is actually a girl posing as a boy because it's safer to be a dude and also she likes the ladies. Just imagine her singing "A Whole New World" to Jasmine. OR Aladdin is a female who identifies as a male and uses one of his wishes to become, on the outside, what's he's been all along on the inside OH THE FEELS
- •An app that handles bday wishes for your Facebook friendsVaried and vague enough to sound genuine. Saves so much time
- •UniqueYour dick is a snowflake ❄️
- •SlenderHas your peep been doing paleo
- •PaleOmg does your dick ever get out of the house
And lots of other ailments if we're being honest
- •Hydrate.5 to 1 ounce of water per pound of body weight. Dehydration causes headaches, fatigue, hunger, dry skin and general pissiness so get on it
- •ExerciseRelieves stress, increases endorphins
- •Balance your stimulantsCaffeine and sugar are the worst (also the best). Coming down from either will cause physical and even emotional side effects. This is a real thing. Manage it or become super heathy or something idk it's your life
- •Don't allow a monster to become presidentShould be obvious but here we are
These are purchases and tasks I've completed to earn in-game currency ranked by level of embarrassment/ridiculousness
- 8.Donated to Save the ChildrenNot at all embarrassing. I got to enjoy my game more AND feel good about myself.
- 7.Signed up for a wine subscriptionTBH this is my most savvy business decision to date. Would recommend: https://www.brightcellars.com
- 6.Downloaded random appsSome of these I have kept, others were immediately deleted
- •Had my first *real* crush on a girl.Her name was Nikki. She drove a Ducati and I still blush when I think about her.
- •May or may not have edited/written papers for 💰I'm not proud of this but I was struggling to pay for school and non essentials like food and tampons
- •Stole a pink flamingo lawn figure from Pal's (actually, I drove the getaway car but that doesn't have the same ring to it)A local fast food chain that would display these once a year