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  1. Pissy
  2. Duck/ducking
    Classic. Doesn't faze me at all.
  3. Clot
    The absolute worst, please kill me now
  4. Tots
    Great, now I'm hungry
All Natural, Non-prescription goodness
  1. Exercise
    You'll fall asleep faster and sleep longer if you're worn the fuck out
  2. Sunlight
    This is absolutely true. Exposure to sunlight helps regulate sleep patterns. Also, avoiding artificial light when you're in bed will help (like your phone screen, iPad, tv, etc)
  3. Orgasms
    Seriously the best medicine. Can't sleep? Get👏🏽Your👏🏽Wank👏🏽On👏🏽
  1. Almost wrecking because you weren't paying attention
    Your car or life or whatever
  2. Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror
    And being appropriately mortified
  3. Reading old social media posts
    Realizing that you are creature of [sick] habit
  1. Books I read
  2. Books I abandoned after several chapters
  3. Naps taken
5 more...
This isn't candid. It's calculated.
  1. This is the best of 16 photos taken in my bathroom.
  2. I stood with my arm extended and hand tilted in such a way as to get the most slimming angle that could also pass as natural.
  3. My head is turned to the side and part of my cheek is obscured by hair to hide the sheer width of my face.
6 more...
  1. A pay for play app where in-game currency is purchased with physical exertion
    Like it links to your Fitbit or Apple Watch and you "pay" with your steps or calories burned or something
  2. Aladdin
    Reimagining of Disney's Aladdin where Aladdin is actually a girl posing as a boy because it's safer to be a dude and also she likes the ladies. Just imagine her singing "A Whole New World" to Jasmine. OR Aladdin is a female who identifies as a male and uses one of his wishes to become, on the outside, what's he's been all along on the inside OH THE FEELS
  3. An app that handles bday wishes for your Facebook friends
    Varied and vague enough to sound genuine. Saves so much time
  1. Unique
    Your dick is a snowflake ❄️
  2. Slender
    Has your peep been doing paleo
  3. Pale
    Omg does your dick ever get out of the house
2 more...
And lots of other ailments if we're being honest
  1. Hydrate
    .5 to 1 ounce of water per pound of body weight. Dehydration causes headaches, fatigue, hunger, dry skin and general pissiness so get on it
  2. Exercise
    Relieves stress, increases endorphins
  3. Balance your stimulants
    Caffeine and sugar are the worst (also the best). Coming down from either will cause physical and even emotional side effects. This is a real thing. Manage it or become super heathy or something idk it's your life
  4. Don't allow a monster to become president
    Should be obvious but here we are
These are purchases and tasks I've completed to earn in-game currency ranked by level of embarrassment/ridiculousness
  1. 8.
    Donated to Save the Children
    Not at all embarrassing. I got to enjoy my game more AND feel good about myself.
  2. 7.
    Signed up for a wine subscription
    TBH this is my most savvy business decision to date. Would recommend: https://www.brightcellars.com
  3. 6.
    Downloaded random apps
    Some of these I have kept, others were immediately deleted
5 more...
  1. Had my first *real* crush on a girl.
    Her name was Nikki. She drove a Ducati and I still blush when I think about her.
  2. May or may not have edited/written papers for 💰
    I'm not proud of this but I was struggling to pay for school and non essentials like food and tampons
  3. Stole a pink flamingo lawn figure from Pal's (actually, I drove the getaway car but that doesn't have the same ring to it)
    A local fast food chain that would display these once a year
3 more...