Requested by @imadepoopstoday but I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind, Mike. Shit got kind of real
  1. Old dude holding my hand at sea world
    I was 5 or 6. All I remember is looking up and it's not my dad holding my hand but some random dude then my dad swoops in and the dude is gone so maybe I almost got kidnapped???
  2. Mom's friend groping me
    My mom dragged me to a lot of parties when I was young, we'd often end up spending the night. So I'm sleeping in her friend's bed and the friend's husband comes in and lays down, which wakes me up but I pretend to be asleep. I don't know why - maybe I thought I would get fussed at for being awake? Anyway he rubs my chest, I stay still, then his wife comes in and he stops. I was 9. I convince myself that he must have thought I was her but in retrospect there's no way he could have confused us.
  3. Turtle clock guy choking me out
    Rebound guy I sort of dated/hooked up with - he was from Florida and he made these clocks out of dead turtles (and that's not the creepiest part). Anyway, we were making out at the baseball field in the middle of the night and he just grabs me by the throat and tells me not to ever fuck him over. And I was like "oh shit no one even knows I'm here with him and this is about to turn into a Lifetime movie."
  4. Guy from work who jacked off into my toilet
    I was in college and working part time at Best Buy. He came over to watch a movie and we made out and when I didn't want to go further he was like "you're not going to leave me like this, are you" and I was like "😐" and then he said he would have to take care of it before he left LIKE HIS BONER WAS A SOUFFLÉ OR SOME OTHER TIME SENSITIVE THING.
  5. Randos on Twitter sending nonsense and dick pics
    Does this even count or is it so common that I shouldn't bother including it?