Reasons I didn't go to your funeral

Yesterday I drove 2 hours to say goodbye to my step-sister but didn't make it past the parking lot.
  1. You were my age
    You had so much left to do.
  2. I wasn't sure if there would be a viewing and but I was 100% sure I couldn't handle seeing you
  3. I saw your kids standing outside and lost it
    They don't even know me. My kids will never know you.
  4. I did a shit job of keeping in touch with you
    We stayed "connected" through Facebook but I honestly don't know what was going on in your life.
  5. The last time I saw you, your kids were babies
    There is no excuse for this. Our parents divorced and we both moved away but you were still my sister.
  6. I didn't deserve to be there
    We were together all the time for a few years. But these people have been with you and stayed with you and known you in a way I will never be able to comprehend. Their grief is justifiable. Mine is wrapped up in selfishness and regret and I am not worthy.
  7. I feel responsible
    I'm sure everyone who loves you is feeling this. But I genuinely feel like if I had been there for you, shown you more love and support, you wouldn't have felt so alone. You wouldn't have felt like this was your only option.