THE CONSEQUENCES OF PROCREATING

  1. Lack of sleep
    First on the list because it's the most obvious and often complained about by new parents. There's this article that famously illustrates how waking frequently is actually worse than not sleeping at all. I say "famously" because I quote it to my husband all the time.
  2. Gross body fluid stuff
    Just the worst of the worst.
  3. Repeating yourself over and over and over and over
    Don't stand up on the couch. No standing on the couch. Sit down! Don't stand on the couch. Stop standing on the couch.
  4. Reading stuff you don't want to be reading
    My friends are all talking about Gone Girl and I'm over here like have you read Retro Baby?
  5. Being aware of the shit you're teaching them
    "But Mama, you eat cookies before dinner." Also, it's hard to remember not to talk about my body in a negative way because I want them to focus more on being healthy and less on appearances.
  6. Unintentional Altruism
    All of those horrible cliches are true. You will love that little ball of cells more than you thought humanly possible and you will continually find yourself putting his or her needs before your own and it's beautiful but also wtf