WHAT HOUSE LISTINGS SAY VS WHAT THEY MEAN

We are in the process of selling our first house (which we bought five months ago 😩) so we can move to Atlanta and I'm seeing a lot of these phrases when sifting through listings for the new house
  1. "Wonderful investment opportunity!"
    Why live in this dumpster fire when you can charge some poor unfortunate soul to?
  2. "Wooded area in back"
    Hope you like snakes
  3. "Large level lot, perfect for a pool!"
    Not that you'll ever be able to afford one, you worthless piece of shit.
  4. "Cozy"
    Small
  5. "Lots of character"
    Old
  6. "Charming"
    Small and old
  7. "Interior has all new paint and carpet"
    Somebody died here