EXPECTATIONS FOR MY DAY OFF IN NEW ORLEANS
I've got this city on lock.
- •The process of deciding where to eat will take all day, as there are too many delicious options. I will lose a few hours trying to choose.
- •I will want to go buy Jamaican 45s at Domino records, but will be too busy deciding where to eat.
- •Once I've finally picked out a spot, I will unintentionally eat meat there. No way around this. I will begrudgingly admit that yes it tastes great.
- •I will gain 30 lbs by morning. Half of that will be cocktail weight.
- •I will say "they shot a scene from Treme here" every few seconds, even when I'm alone.
- •I will find some of my favorite off-the-beaten path spots full of tourists.
- •No, I'm not a tourist. I lived here. For a month. Twice. Okay?
- •I will be called y'all even when I am alone.
- •I will affect a slight accent myself. Because I lived here. For a month. Twice.
- •Crust punks.
- •The clashing sound of two street musicians on opposite side of the street will trigger my gag reflex. I will barf onto the sidewalk, prompting a local to exclaim "Frenchmen's just as bad as Bourbon now."
- •Late at night, I will witness a scene of true debauchery that will forever be etched in my mind whether I like it or not.
- •After a few drinks I'll join in, engaging in some truly freaky activities in public. Dark, ritualistic, orgiastic... I will be told about this tomorrow, but will have no memory of it. I will instantly regret ever leaving my hotel.
- •No leaving the hotel. Room service from now on. Or Jimmy John's delivery. It's freaky fast.