EXPECTATIONS FOR MY DAY OFF IN NEW ORLEANS

I've got this city on lock.
  1. The process of deciding where to eat will take all day, as there are too many delicious options. I will lose a few hours trying to choose.
  2. I will want to go buy Jamaican 45s at Domino records, but will be too busy deciding where to eat.
  3. Once I've finally picked out a spot, I will unintentionally eat meat there. No way around this. I will begrudgingly admit that yes it tastes great.
  4. I will gain 30 lbs by morning. Half of that will be cocktail weight.
  5. I will say "they shot a scene from Treme here" every few seconds, even when I'm alone.
  6. I will find some of my favorite off-the-beaten path spots full of tourists.
  7. No, I'm not a tourist. I lived here. For a month. Twice. Okay?
  8. I will be called y'all even when I am alone.
  9. I will affect a slight accent myself. Because I lived here. For a month. Twice.
  10. Crust punks.
  11. The clashing sound of two street musicians on opposite side of the street will trigger my gag reflex. I will barf onto the sidewalk, prompting a local to exclaim "Frenchmen's just as bad as Bourbon now."
  12. Late at night, I will witness a scene of true debauchery that will forever be etched in my mind whether I like it or not.
  13. After a few drinks I'll join in, engaging in some truly freaky activities in public. Dark, ritualistic, orgiastic... I will be told about this tomorrow, but will have no memory of it. I will instantly regret ever leaving my hotel.
  14. No leaving the hotel. Room service from now on. Or Jimmy John's delivery. It's freaky fast.