I DROPPED MY IPHONE IN THE TOILET AT INTELLIGENTSIA

  1. I go to Intelligentsia after work on Friday. I get an iced green tea and I sit out front.
    I've got a few hours to kill und chill, before loose dinner plans w/ @miggles36.
  2. I take my first sip, and the straw goes right up my left nostril. I recoil, and the straw comes along for the ride. Straight up out the glass!
    Should've taken this as a sign to get outta there. But no, I stay -- hoping I'll run into someone. That's my new rule: unless I have somewhere I need to be, I'll stay at Intelli's until I run into someone I know. It's a strange rule, I know
  3. So I'm sipping and texting, run into my friend Amber who is on her way to Naturewell, finish the tea, and decide to head home.
    I kept drinking with the straw that'd gone up my nose. Is that gross? Because it's about to get worse.
  4. You know what? Maybe I'll pee here before I leave. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I live two blocks away from here. Certainly smarter to pee in the intelligentsia bathroom.
    Tis a bathroom I find to be, as a rule, unclean.
  5. This is when I tell you not to text while peeing.
    Do not text while peeing. Pre-pee, @maya had given me restaurant recommendations for Savannah. Mid-pee I forwarded her spots to a friend in Savannah for the weekend. I hit send. And as I go to flush:
  6. Ker-plunk.
    The phone flips out of my hand, plopping into the piss water. My pretty rational thought process: FUCK, it's fully submerged, get it out, but that would be gross as it is in piss, yeah but that's your piss, true could be worse, you know the longer you wait to put your hand in there and fish it out... the less chance that phone will make it out alive.
  7. In goes my hand, out comes the phone.
    Don't think, just grab! Straight to the sink where I douse a paper towel with sink water and blot the piss-phone. I want to get the piss off, you see. But then I'm like, you idiot don't put more liquid on the phone!
  8. At which point the screen goes black (avec Apple logo), then shuts off.
    I'm like Nooooooo. I dry the phone with a paper towel, flush, wash hands very quickly, stick damp phone in my back pocket, and make a beeline outta there.
  9. And I remember from a list @maya made: STICK IT IN SOME RICE!
    Do i have rice? No. Does my roommate have rice? Possibly? OH I know, I'll hustle half a block to Naturewell, get rice from the bulk bins, throw the phone in the rice, turn the phone back on in a day or so. Go about my regular life. Time is of the essence. As I fast-walk down Sunset (don't wanna look TOO eager in the Junction, ya know?) I run into Amber, who's coming back from Naturewell. I must look insane to her. "Dropped my phone in the toilet! Getting rice!"
  10. Bulk bin city at Naturewell. Brown or Jasmine? BROWN OR JASMINE!?!? Which is more absorbent!?!?! WHICH ONE!!!
    Fill up the bag with jasmine, pay for it, toss the phone in and walk home. When I arrive I notice the flash shining through the rice. The phone has turned back on. Did the pressure of the rice hit the power button? I fish the sticky phone out. It's hot. That's bad. I see that a text has come through. That's good! I power it down, bury it in rice and plop down on the couch. END OF ACT ONE.
  11. After some research, I decide to give it 24 hours. During that long, low-tech day, I go to Intelligentsia, spill a good amount of iced tea down my front, and run into a succession of four friends, including Amber again.
    Over this day I get some reading done, FaceTime my parents from my laptop, figure out that I can summon an Uber from my iPad. It's like the Stone Age. I find out that OF COURSE, they're announcing the next model iPhone within the week. If this thing dies... Am I forced to buy an instantly obsolete phone? Or can I use a burner until...
  12. I take it out. Battery's dead. I charge it. Phone is very hot. This scares me. I turn it on. It's sluggish in small ways. But it works. The flash is still on in back. I turn it off! There's a grain of rice stuck in the headphone jack. I paper clip it out! The only problem is the Home button is unresponsive. I need that button.
    I put the phone back in the rice another 12 hours.
  13. Home button is slow to respond, but it does respond. There is another overnight experiment, with silica gel packets That I fish out of some bags of Kale Krunch
    Not sure if this did anything.
  14. Sunday: my next visit to Intelligentsia. I wait in the average line, order my iced oolong, and go to pay. The blonde-haired, septum-pierced cashier asks "Just the tea?" I say "Yes." She says "It's on us today." WHAT!?
    My string of bad luck at Intelligentsia is over. She says something about how I always have to wait in long lines for an easy to execute order. I know that deep down she knows what's been going on with me and this establishment. I want to blurt out "I dropped my phone in the toilet!" But instead I just say "Thank you. That is very kind."
  15. The phone works, more or less. I wrote this list on it. Home button is finicky. Sometimes I press it down too hard and my screen switches into negative mode. Which looks cool for text, but not when you need to look at a picture or video.
    I never thought I'd be the guy clamoring to buy the new iPhone right when it hits the store, but I will be the guy clamoring to buy the new iPhone right when it hits stores. I've had this fucking 4s for far too long.
  16. Monday: the register guy beckons for me to skip ahead of the two people ahead of me who can't decide what they want. He knows I have an easy order. As I drink, a massive line forms. Sandy Denny is playing, and all is well.