I PUT ON MY PANTS JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU...

  1. Cock first.
  2. Via elaborate passcode.
  3. Accompanied by a Grammy-nominated flautist.
  4. Quixotically.
  5. Just before I go to sleep.
  6. Except my pants are invisible.
  7. On loan from the Guggenheim.
  8. With the assistance of a sign language interpreter.
  9. Only on Thursdays.
  10. Very slowly, so as to not get rug-burn.
  11. Through a microscopic hole in the left knee.
  12. Mid-coitus.
  13. Teeming with feelings of inadequacy.
  14. With hollandaise on the side.
  15. But the difference is that I get paid to put on my pants, and you don't.