MY IMAGINED CONVERSATION WITH THE SCIENTOLOGIST TRYING TO RECRUIT PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE METRO STATION

  1. "Hi!"
    She hands me a pamphlet.
  2. "Oh no thanks."
  3. "Would you like to take a free personality test?"
  4. "No I know how this goes. No matter how I "score" on the test you're going to tell me I need to take your courses."
  5. "Aren't you curious? What if I told you that you have within you the power to unlock the secrets of the universe?"
  6. "No, sorry. I've read 'Inside Scientology' and Going Clear' and I've seen the documentary as well."
  7. "Have you read Dianetics?"
  8. "Actually I have. I read it after I got my wisdom teeth out."
  9. "And what did you think?"
  10. "I found the tone really arrogant. It was, I don't know... unnecessarily wordy."
  11. "LRH's words have saved countless lives. His tech is irrefutable."
  12. "Well he's a terrible writer."
  13. "Sounds to me like you didn't understand it. What's your name?"
  14. "I'm not giving you my real name."
  15. "Why not?"
  16. "I'd prefer not to be put on some list, or labelled a suppressive person, or something."
  17. "There's no need to be hostile. I'm Melinda. And you are?"
  18. "Xenu."
  19. "That sounds made up."
  20. "Wait. Hold on, Melinda. You don't know about Xenu yet? How far up the Bridge To Total Freedom are you? You haven't hit OT-III?"
  21. [long pause] "Not yet."
  22. "You'll only learn about Xenu once you've dropped like two-hundred seventy five thousand dollars. He's an intergalactic emperor. Like Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon. And while it's hilarious that the big reveal of your creation myth is just as ridiculous as Hubbard's sci-fi stories, that's not the reason I won't have anything to do with you."
  23. "Then what is the reason?"
  24. "It's the systematic abuse of men, women, and children in your "church" which is really just a shell game, profiting con men, masquerading as religion to reap the benefits of tax exemption."
  25. "Alright you passed."
  26. "Sorry?"
  27. "You passed the personality test with flying colors. You're fearless. You're a badass. We'll pay YOU to join up."
  28. "Really?"
  29. "Scientology is actually just a cool club. Nobody is abused. We get drunk. We watch movies. We fuck. We fuck a lot actually."
  30. "You're shitting me with this."
  31. "I shit you not. You wanna fuck?"
  32. "But but but hold on, what about all the ex-Scientologists who've spoken out? What about the death of Lisa McPherson? What about Lawrence Wright's book?!"
  33. "Lawrence Wright was just bummed we wouldn't let him in. Fucking square."
  34. "And Paul Haggis?"
  35. "He was just pissed that nobody would fuck him, so he left. You wanna smoke this joint, and walk over to the Celebrity Center?"
  36. "Sure! Who's gonna be there?"
  37. "Beck is probably there. Just don't look him directly in the eyes. And I'm sure Juliette Lewis is hanging around trying to get laid. She and I share dudes all the time."
  38. "Ok. I'm in."