RELEVANT DETAILS FROM THIS WEEKEND'S TRAVELS, WITH AN ENDING YOU WILL. NOT. BELIEVE.
I went to Vermont and it went something like this. This list is a all over the place, and I will not apologize. For that.
- •I was randomly(?) selected.I was unable to check in online. When I got my boarding pass at LAX, it had an SSSS printed on it. Because of this, I was pulled out of line by TSA agents (one saw the SSSS, yelled "woah!" and snatched my pass & ID from my hands). A friendly, higher ranking TSA agent escorted me as I was given additional screening; a pat down, and they went through my carry-on item by item, swabbing and testing. The line was huge, so this actually sped up my trip through security. Thanks America.
- •My seat-mate prevented me from sleeping.I had a whole plan to conquer my 11:05 pm red eye. I'd been going to bed earlier the last couple of nights, to get in the zone. But earplugs and face-mask were no match for this teen lad of East Asian stock who slept through the whole flight, but had some sort of restless body syndrome. A lot of knee clattering, upper body twisting, sudden jolts upward from the seat-back tray over which he was folded. This jostled me. Worth noting: he wore a cowboy hat and sunglasses and blue short shorts.
- •Birds at JFK.I was a zombie running on essentially no sleep, staggering around Terminal 5. Perused the Muji store. Ate some above average huevos rancheros (for an airport anyway). Found an isolated area and sat for a while. There were five birds hanging near me, hopping around to peck at little scraps and crumbs under the seats. They'd swoop through the air and congregate in a row on top of the gate TVs. I enjoyed watching them in their funny little universe.
- •Waiting at the Burlington airport.Best friend Dan Janvey's flight was an hour later than mine, and we'd be driving to the farm for Tyler and Emily's wedding rehearsal. So I, the least Vermont-y looking person imaginable, waited around for an hour. I charged my phone, and perused the contents of a healthy/organic vending machine. I was finally met by my best friend, who looked like this.
- •Vermont is beyond beautiful.It was a scenic 40 minutes from BTV to Windekind farm, in Huntington. Tyler and Emily live in Brooklyn. We went to college with him, and she is from the Burlington area. Hence the choice of location. Dan played Max Richter the whole way and almost drove off the road twice because we were distracted by the verdant surroundings.
- •We are all so dependent on technology.I purposefully left my laptop at home for this trip. Which I never do. It was liberating. Cell phone service was non-existent for us in these rural zones. Which created total panic at first. But then you slow down and realize it's nice to just keep the phone in pocket for the bulk of the weekend.
- •At the rehearsal dinner I accidentally grabbed Jeannie's boobJeannie is Michael's girlfriend, whom I'd met mere hours earlier. Here's a shot of Jeannie, Michael & Dan. We were at Vergennes Laundry. The wine was flowing, we were having a great time, and then the dessert came out. I saw a tray of glistening canelés, and I freaked. I threw my hands into the air in shock and delight. One hand hit Janvey, or so I thought. When I looked back, we all saw what Jeannie knew: my hand had landed square on her right tit. She was a good sport about tit.
- •I read Patricia Lockwood at the ceremony.Tyler and Emily led their own dejeuner sur l'herbe-vibed ceremony, and the text of it was almost entirely poetry. Whitman, Neruda, Sappho... and a grip of jammers I didn't know. Some months earlier Tyler asked if I'd like read one and I suggested Lockwood's "Love Poem Like We Used To Write It," a modern commentary on love poems of yore, and the depiction of women therein. Great poem. I was complimented on my projection and enunciation. http://nyr.kr/1GYIwWv
- •Rob-unionMichael and Dan and I are the Roberts. We generally call each other "My Rob." This was the first time we were all three in the same place in quite some time. See out boutonnières? We were groomsmen. And we looked fucking good.
- •There were dogs and cows and babies.The wedding was on this gorgeous farm, and three dogs wandered around all day. On the outskirts of the celebratory zone, a bunch of cattle grazed.
- •Pilar's tunnelThe dancing was choice at this wedding. I DJ'ed for 45 mins and got to rave up physically for the remaining 45 or so. The ever-nimble @ouecha duo were fully expressing. At a certain point a 4 year-old named Pilar owned the whole dancefloor, as everybody made an ever-extending tunnel of legs through which she could crawl. Here's a picture of Pilar with Dan (sans tooth).
- •Myers' Bagel BakeryThe morning after the wedding we grabbed some brekkie before heading to the airport. Dan found this spot online. Amazing Montreal-style bagels. LEGIT. We chatted with the owner/baker Lloyd at length. He worked at St-Viateur in Montreal for 20 years, before leaving to open up his own spot. His are better than any bagels I've ever had in Montreal, no lie. Maybe best evs. The spot is named after his mentor, the original owner of St-Viateur, who gave him a job there when he was living on the street.
- •Back to the Muji store.Had a two-hour layover at JFK. Bought two handkerchiefs and a pen. No idea why.
- •OK! So then there's this guy cruising the boarding gate.Saw this dude chat up four different women before the Flight to LAX. He was talking to the woman in front of me. She got a phone call. He moved on to someone else. In the photo you can see how he parked his rolling bag in her personal space, to force a convo. When she shut him down, his eyes shot back to where his previous target was. She was gone. He'd lost track of her! I delighted at the brief look of panic on his face. And felt bad for whomever would be sitting next to him. A woman probably.
- •Free drink for being a good person.My seat-mate's TV wasn't working, so I offered to switch back and forth with her a few times as needed. I had enough reading material and free Wi-Fi to keep me occupied. Even though I had the aisle and she was in the middle-seat. Pay it forward, y'all. She bought me a Gin and Tonic. I saw the guy from the gate chat her up while she was in line for the bathroom. TWICE!
- •THE PLOT THICKENSI'm reading with headphones on, and look up to see the boarding gate creeper standing in the aisle! I assumed he was going to chat up my seat-mate, now on the aisle. BUT HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME! "Do I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar. Are you on TV?" Was he trying to pick ME up? Guy's desperate to join the mile-high club, huh? "No, I'm not on TV. Maybe you recognize me earlier from the gate," hoping the subtext reads "I know EXACTLY what you did." He fucks off back to his seat.
- •THE BIG PLOT TWIST!The moment he leaves, I turn to my seat-mate. "Woah this is so crazy. I watched that guy chat up at least four women before the flight. Super creepy. Has he struck out enough times that he's trying to pick me up now?!" And she says, "Well it's even crazier than that. Because while I was waiting for the bathroom he came up and asked me if I knew who you were." WHAT. "He thinks you're famous, and he asked me to find out who you were. Then the last time I got up he asked me if I'd found out yet."
- •I mean... WHAT?!Possible explanations: he's seen the Portlandia sketch I'm in, or less likely a random short film or music video. OR he was a great fan of the movies I was in when I was a kid, even though I look nothing like I did 20+ years ago. OR he saw me snap a picture of him and was fucking with me. OR... the most likely explanation (as hypothesized by seat-mate): he has some borderline personality disorder and a compulsion to "connect with people."