THINGS TO DO IN LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA

Thanks for the request, @emmaburke, and let me be the first to officially welcome you to L.A. There are a milli lists of this sort already (i recommend a list I made 16 weeks ago entitled: THE 10 BEST THINGS I CONSUMED IN THE LAST WEEK), so I'm taking a different approach, and writing a list only I could write.
  1. Experiment with a raw/vegan lifestyle for two days. Feel really good about yourself, your eating habits, your willpower... Then choose the wrong pre-packaged wrap for lunch from Lassen's. It's so gross, but you choke it down anyway because you paid for it and you don't want to be a disappointment to yourself any more than you already have
    And then when it's dinner-time you're like "Fuck it. Bring me fried food!" But you're talking to yourself because you're starving. So you go get some fried food, and it rules.
  2. Feel weird about being yet another person working on their screenplay at the third-wave coffee place, so bring your laptop to a newly-opened cold-pressed juice place every day. Become their "Norm." Get free juice, flirt with their staff, feel like you own the place.
    The next time you come back to town from a long trip, you'll walk in and there will be five people who look suspiciously identical to you, all hunched over their laptops. One of them has stolen your favorite seat AND your screenplay idea. Your favorite juice flavor is off the menu, they've raised the prices, and nobody you know works there anymore.
  3. Recognize people everywhere you go.
    Did you go to college together? Or are they an actor? That must be it. LA is full of actors. Hmmm no. Maybe they were in that band you just saw at one of those free residencies...Or did you catch them doing improv? That MUST be it. Everybody does fucking improv. No you probably recognize them from their dating profile. Perhaps you had an awkward conversation with them. Or a regrettable date.
  4. Try going to the cemetery screenings that everybody loves, but be far too uptight and curmudgeonly to enjoy them.
    Movies... outside?! But I need absolute quiet. How can you concentrate on the film with all this ambient light? These people aren't here to watch the movie; they're here to Instagram it!
  5. Avoid that famous LA traffic by not owning a car.
    Tell everyone you've got it all figured out; you're doing wonders for the environment, and getting great exercise from walking so much. In truth: baffle everyone, inconvenience your friends, be unqualified for many jobs, be unqualified for many relationships, take Uber way too much, be afraid of people on the bus. Why don't you live in New York by now?
  6. My neuroses aside, Los Angeles is thriving right now. There's a reason so many people are moving here. This is an exceedingly pleasant place to be, with so much exciting stuff going on. Despite the ease with which it can devolve into self-parody, this city wins me over every time I return. I hope it wins you over too.