WEDDING TIPS FROM A WEIRD SINGLE GUY

I attended two weddings this weekend. Scattered thoughts...
  1. Cherish the truly intimate weddings.
    Destination weddings can be a pain, or a strain on the bank account. But I think that if you're free and can make it work, you really should go to the smaller weddings. There's something so wonderful about sharing a trip with people who care about you and want you there. And I love being able to catch up with old friends (and previously lesser know mutual friends of the betrothed) over the course of a weekend, not just a few minutes of "working the room."
  2. Invest in a killer pair of STATEMENT PANTS.
    You'll know em when you see em. They will be your power source.
  3. Once you've picked a favorite hors d'oeuvre or two, just straight up follow them around the room. They will disappear before you are ready.
    Make friends with the server. Make it a running joke. "Me again! These polenta fries! I think a dangerous addiction is forming!" Actually, that's super annoying. Either way, I say it's acceptable to grab from the same tray three times.
  4. Once the bartender knows your drink order, switch to club soda for a bit.
    I returned and without hesitation she asked "Another bourbon?" If I were heeding my own advice I definitely would have taken a time out at that point. This is a cautionary tip.
  5. Getting stoned will make ok weddings fun, and great weddings grrrrrreat.
    #MoodStick
  6. If you don't dance at a wedding, you are not doing your duty as a guest.
    Even if you don't like to dance. Even if you're bad at it. Injuries get a pass.
  7. If your parents are at the wedding, you should be blissing out with them on the dancefloor.
    If your parents are not there, cut rugs with the family of the wedding party. They will love you even if they do not know who you are.
  8. Wiping out on the dancefloor once is awesome. Wiping out on the dancefloor twice means you're too drunk.
    Sit down for a bit, eat, hydrate... so you don't hurt yourself or your parents.
  9. If someone you used to have the hots for but haven't seen in a while is also in attendance, gauge their current vibes not through conversation, but dance.
    I'm telling you, this one is big. No awkward convos with former crushes allowed at weddings! Just crush it on the dancefloor, and they'll remember how fucking great you are.
  10. Being best dressed and the best dancer still won't necessarily mean you're leaving the party with someone. But it will allow you to dance with the rest of the best jammers in attendance.
    And anyway, your dancing should always function as what I like to call a "lovemaking résumé." So you'd better have a good handle on what you're doing out there.
  11. Always stay until the bitter end of the party. Always. Then make it your cause to spearhead a late-night pizza campaign. Get the newlyweds involved. They'll want pizza.
    You will be a hero.
  12. If you are truly 💯 at two weddings in two days, you're heading for a full-body shutdown.
    tour/flight/wedding/flight/wedding = painbody
  13. Tip for the engaged: when I recently read this on an invitation, I was relieved and excited: "We would like our guests to feel like themselves at all events throughout the weekend."
    There were further adjectives to help. It didn't mean "wear whatever you want, we don't care," it meant "we care about our guests and their comfort." Some people wore suits. The groom wore beautiful shorts, a white dress shirt, no jacket, no tie.
  14. Tip for the engaged: an overzealous wedding planner will make your guests nervous.
    This wedding planner snapped at me: "The bride needs a white wine and she needs it now!" Me to wedding planner: "Ok, I'm a guest." I was not the only person to comment on this terrorista.
  15. Who knows if I'll get married. But if I do have a wedding, I'd like it to be as intimate and unfussy as possible. Until then I'm just waiting for the right person to show up.
    Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love. Someone to set my heart free. Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love.