WOMEN IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY I DECIDED TO MARRY IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO

Wherein I objectify women in the most endearing manner possible.
  1. Bespectacled redhead server at seasonal New American eatery in Chicago.
    She was firm about the restaurant's 'no modifications' policy. I find that sort of directness a real positive in a potential mate. Decided I would marry her immediately after she took our drink order.
  2. Tiffany. Barkeep at a dive in Gowanus.
    No nonsense kinda gal. Large, visible "chest piece" tattoo. At one point yelled, "she bit my nipple!" after a drunk woman did just that. Never been more jealous of a drunk woman. Decided I would marry her after she played The Cramps and other music I can't remember now because I was too drunk at the time.
  3. French Canadian server at Italian restaurant in Ditmas Park.
    Lip game on point. Butt in red pleather pants game on pooooint. Decided I would marry her the moment she first spoke. I heard the accent and blurted out "Where are you from?" as though magically transformed into an inquisitive child. When she left, I told @yrfriendrachel that "I would change my lifestyle for her." Also glad she recommended the beets as a starter.
  4. Mary. Another barkeep at the same dive in Gowanus.
    Went back the following night because it was the nearest bar to the hotel. Tiffany was there, but so was Mary; slinging drinks and cranking out jams. Mac DeMarco, Thee Oh Sees, Islands... Every time I said "I love this song!" she laughed. I decided I would marry her when she exclaimed "Max, we're musical soulmates!" I stumbled out after closing time, shortly after learning that Mary was single. Chickened out asking for her number. Woke up today with bleary-eyed regret, and that hangover of her.