5150ED

  1. I kept it together yesterday because I had to.
    My mother was hysterical, my father was in denial, and I stood as the mediator between the two.
  2. When they came to get my brother and wheeled him away to the Psych hospital was the moment I lost my composure.
    He was strapped in. I watched as they buckled his arms and legs.
  3. He looked so small and helpless, fear in his eyes and a smile on his face.
  4. He's my baby brother and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't help him, I couldn't shield him, I couldn't protect him.
  5. I was overcome by the reality of the situation and couldn't hold back the tears.
  6. Yesterday feels like a blur. I'm still processing the reality of the situation.
  7. Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from the University psychologist, informing me that someone needs to come and pick up my brother from campus, because he's not safe to drive alone.
  8. I had to really process what I was being asked.
  9. I was shaking on the phone, shaking when I called a Lyft, and shaking when searching for the campus mental health clinic.
  10. Anger filled his eyes, he kept clicking his pen, jabbing it into his hand.
  11. He said that David Lynch is his emergency contact.
    Someday I hope him and I will be able to laugh about it.
  12. My brother who is 19, who is on the dean's list, who just got his summer research approved, who is one of the kindest, most compassionate human beings, had a psychotic break.
  13. Someday maybe we'll find humor in the situation.
  14. But today I'm scared. And I'm struggling with phrases like "one day at a time." And "everything will be okay." And "he'll get through this" because right now none of that feels true.