1. My grandfather is in the hospital
  2. Fact: he was taken in for constipation
  3. I had to laugh about it because over the course of 15 years my grandfather has been a frequent flyer.
  4. I know I probably shouldn't be laughing, but I've had to keep a sense of humor about these things
  5. My grandfather has had a heart transplant, both feet amputated, an infection in his bones, and sores that won't heal.
  6. My grandfather suffers from chronic illness
  7. He's been bed ridden for over four years now
  8. When I visit he barely looks up from his IPad.
    This hasn't changed very much from when he was relatively healthy, just replace iPad with work desk or television.
  9. As a small child I would pretend to enjoy watching sports in hopes that we would share something in common.
    I guess soccer can be fun sometimes.
  10. Every time he's admitted into the hospital my grandmother sounds the alarm as if it's his last day.
  11. I've lived with the anxiety of my grandfather dying for 15 years.
  12. My grandfather talks about wanting to die when he's home and recovering, but when he starts feeling like something is actually wrong he sounds the alarm.
  13. Tuesday he was doing well, barking orders, complaining, no longer constipated.
  14. Yesterday evening I told a friend that I know this might make me sound like a horrible person, but sometimes I wish it would all end already.
  15. This morning I found out he's having problems with his kidneys. My mom said that this might be the end.
  16. I feel guilty and anxious, I want to take back what I said yesterday.
  17. Having someone close to you with chronic illness is incredibly difficult.