LIFE ADVICE YOU MIGHT NEED

Per request of @madeline
  1. Earn a nickname.
    Preferably one that functions as a synecdochical description of yourself--like "Jaded Joyce" or Tom "Tugboat" Layman or "New Year's Steve" or Charlie "My-dad-never-files-my-tax-return-on-time" Bowen.
  2. Have your résumé printed on paper watermarked with various buzzwords such as "strategic analytics" and "enterprise software logistics"
  3. Never take hot showers
  4. Zero-in on one university and apply to every PhD program that they offer.
  5. In a job interview, be sure to add your interviewer on LinkedIn midway through the interview, to remind them that you're invested.
  6. Additionally, endorse them under skills for "interviewing"
  7. Walk to work every morning with "Panic Station" by Muse paying on your iPhone, held above your head w/o headphones.
  8. Send all emails with the subject line "HEY BIG GUY LONG TIME NO SEE HAHA"
  9. Openly scorn "the establishment" on social media once a month.
  10. Buy a German Shepard and name him "Myriad"
  11. Change your haircut every 10 weeks
    Ladies especially
  12. Steal at least one piece of faux-antique memorabilia from a TGI Friday's.
  13. Read the first sixty pages of Infinite Jest and tell your friends that it is your favorite book.
  14. Lease a 2007 Kia Rio
  15. Adopt a son and name him "Radiohead Defined My College Experience"
  16. Instead of worrying about which buttons to do and un-do on your sports coat, remove all of your sports coat buttons and squint them into your eyes and look like a character from a Tim Burton movie.
  17. Grow a mustache and refer to it as "the Oxford comma"
  18. Facilitate a Led Zeppelin-themed birthday party for your neighbor, Liz and call it "Get the Liz Out"
  19. Vacation exclusively in your brother's above-ground pool.
  20. Never take pictures, ever.