5 Reasons Why I Hate Your Children

  1. 1.
    Sticky fucking fingers
    I shouldn't feel like I'm being touched by a bundle of BBQ cocktail weenies.
  2. 2.
    Stupid fucking questions
    "Why do socks gets lost?" Because go to hell.
  3. 3.
    Blank fucking stares
    Kids look like they're alien news anchors staring at a blank teleprompter.
  4. 4.
    Shitty fucking parents
    When your kid has thrown seventeen French fries into my frozen margarita, your first response is NOT to laugh and shrug like Carol and Greg Brady.
  5. 5.
    No fucking point
    I'm gonna be real. Children are objectively useless until they either get strong enough to carry stuff or smart enough to move out and leave us alone.