1. Wait, the Onion didn't come up with this first?
  2. The fact that I initially mistook this for real news says more about him than me.
  3. If real, his internal dialogue would be "If I can't do it due to my religious beliefs, then no one can do it!"
  4. Really, this is at the top of his list of things to make illegal? Even Pokemon Go would be a better choice.
  5. Is self-love really a "silent killer in our country?" If it makes you both silent and dead, methinks folks have been doing it wrong.
  6. Donald's comment that he doesn't know anything about this because he has a "beautiful wife, great wife, the best whose been doing it for me." Gag. Just no. Also how much is he paying her?
  7. If the Devil's playground includes anyone who has ever participated in self-love, there is going to be a very long wait for the swings.
  8. "It starts innocently enough with a JC Penny catalog..." What? Out of all the material in the world he thinks that's folks go-to gateway to sin? At least in the Athleta catalog there's some tight fitting clothing. Give the people of America some credit.
  9. What the F is wrong with this man?