COSTUMES I HAVE WORN

  1. An elaborate Dino from the Flintstones. It was basically like wearing a stuffed animal
  2. King Wenceslas in a play. It was my swan song; I never acted again. Also I got to wear a crown.
  3. A Hershey kiss. I was robbed of the title of best costume in a costume contest judged by a slew of idiots.
  4. The Phantom of the Opera. My cheapass mask cut into my face the entire time, but damn I looked badass.
  5. A jogger in another play. This meant basically a dinosaur sweatshirt and sweatpants for some reason. I did not choose the costume.
  6. A Dalmatian. I was in kindergarten, and my teacher forced me to go into a sixth grade classroom to show the teacher. I never dressed up for school again.
  7. A wizard. I got to carry a magic wand with a star at the end of it.
  8. A Jedi. That was for my sister's wedding. I looked awesome, but the costume had NINE PIECES and took my brother and me a half hour (with assistance from his wife) to figure out how to put it on.
  9. A drunken fool waving a metal bat at a piñata full of little shot bottles. That was more vodka's influence than anything.