DRUNK EXPERIENCES THAT I PROBABLY WOULD NOT HAVE EXPERIENCED WERE I OF SOUND MIND

  1. The first time I ever got drunk, I was 17 and at a wedding with my parents.
    There was an open bar, and the bartender basically served everyone because, I mean, the bride was only 20, so they're not going to tell other people no unless they're like 13 or something.
  2. So my sister and I were throwing them back the whole night.
    I was drinking screwdrivers, and she was drinking cranberry juice and vodka (is there a special name for that drink? I don't know). She drank a lot more than me because, as it turns out, this was not HER first time getting drunk.
  3. Anyway, I was super drunk, and my entire extended family loved it.
    I was like the entertainment for the evening. It was all fun, but...at a certain point, I may have, umm...TMI alert, but I may have peed on my hand. Don't worry, I washed my hands afterwards.
  4. One thing that was not fun was that my mom and my cousin's wife decided it would be okay to talk to me about personal things.
    I generally keep my emotions close to my chest, and they seized this chance to see how I really felt about things. It was an important lesson in how I can trust no one.
  5. Another time, I was at a little gathering for my cousin, who was visiting (he was stationed in Rhode Island).
    His little son Brendan and I became best friends that night (you may have seen photos of this gathering in a previous post). For awhile, I was drinking sangria exclusively from a Dixie cup...so yeah, I filled that thing up a lot.
  6. My mom drove me home, and I sang the whole way.
    It was like an hour and a half. I distinctively remembering singing "Portions For Foxes" by Rilo Kiley, and even while drunk, I knew every word.
  7. Once my friend drove me home after I was drinking at a friend's apartment.
    Both of us were unfamiliar with the area, and we got lost downtown in a bad area. Like it was so bad that she was afraid to pull over to turn around once we knew we were going in the wrong direction. That was a stressful evening. I don't know how we ended up there to be honest.
  8. At a house party when I was 19, I was throwing screwdrivers back again.
    At one point, I had to pee so bad, but I couldn't get my belt unbuckled. So my poor friend Lynsi had to do it for me, and then I made her take my pants off too. She was a true friend.
  9. At that same party, I danced.
    But not like, dancing with other people. I was on a table, and I did an impromptu striptease for the girls I was with. Someone threw money at me, which I didn't even get to keep. Clothes came off. I try not to think about it. This was all set to Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty," which is my drunk stripping song of choice. Yes...this was not the only time this happened.
  10. Apparently I have trouble keeping my clothes on while drunk.
    Once a friend drove me home, and for some reason my pants kept falling down once we got to my house. He had to help me pull them back up in my yard, and I decided that would be a good time to dance. It was not.
  11. Wilson and Wilbur
    At a Halloween gathering when I was 22, I found a stuffed dinosaur and one of those stick pony things. I named them Wilson and Wilbur and kept them with me the entire night. They were like my sidekicks. You may have seen pictures of this in a previous post.
  12. It can be difficult to deal with my family.
    Once on Christmas Eve, I knew I was going to need alcohol to get through it. So I started drinking Christmas Ale at, like, noon or something. Now I didn't know that it had almost double the alcohol content of my usual beer of choice, Bud Lite, and I had five in two hours. BIG MISTAKE. I cannot emphasize that enough. Like holy fuck, I was stupid drunk by 2-3ish, I was throwing up by 4, I was asleep by 5 and hungover by 7. It was a crazy day. To this day, I can't drink Christmas Ale.
  13. Once on Halloween, I was stupid drunk too.
    I was making my own drinks, which is always a mistake once I'm drunk. I was having some sort of godforsaken concoction of vodka, schnapps, some sort of berry liquor, amaretto, and orange juice. I then proceeded to text everyone I have ever met (which is what I tend to do while drunk), and later there was a piñata outside filled with those little tiny liquor bottles. A bunch of drunk adults swinging around a baseball bat is a bad idea, FYI.
  14. I spent the night that night.
    It was at my friend Dannielle's house, and drunk me insisted on sleeping in her bed. I made her sleep on the couch. I'm kind of an asshole while drunk sometimes.
  15. That night was one of two times I've ever gotten sick while drinking.
    Dannielle told me that if I needed to throw up, the bathroom was around the corner. In the night, I needed to throw up, but it was super dark, and I couldn't find the light. So I stumbled around trying to find the aforementioned bathroom, and when I felt something that felt like a toilet, I threw up in it. It was not a toilet.
  16. It was a laundry basket.
    I realized this too late. Thank Jesus it was empty, but still. Dannielle found me on the floor holding the basket swinging it around for some reason. Dannielle made her friend Aaron clean it up. All I remember is this pirate who had just arrived at the party being mortified that he was cleaning up after some drunk idiot he had never met. We became Facebook friends the next day.
  17. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's probably a good thing I don't drink very much anymore.