I MISS YOUR FACE LIKE HELL

A companion to this list TODAY I MISS MY FRIEND
  1. Today is the five year anniversary of my best friend's murder.
  2. On this day five years ago, she was stabbed 26 times by the father of her child.
  3. You know, people use the word "shocked" a lot, and I did too. But most people don't know what it actually means to be shocked.
    I didn't, but I do now. That's how it felt when I found out that not only was Michelle dead, she was murdered.
  4. I experienced all the clichéd shocked things.
    I felt numb at first mostly, like my brain couldn't process it. I mean, finding out your best friend was brutally murdered is not something that is easy for your brain to compute.
  5. And then it hit me all at once, and when I say all at once, I mean ALL AT ONCE.
    My grief poured out of me like a flood, and I couldn't stop it. I went to my car and drove to an empty parking lot and just cried for a long time. I wept for her, grieved for her. I'm not sure how long I was there, but I didn't feel better when I was done. I haven't felt better since.
  6. Nothing will change that she's gone, and it's still so hard to keep going without her.
    I feel like I'm the one who's been stabbed 26 times. God, I wish I had been. I'd swap places with her any day. But I'm way past the bargaining stage of grief.
  7. I'm not sure I'm to the acceptance stage of grief either. I'm starting to think it doesn't exist.
    I'm in some weird in between place, somewhere between depression and acceptance. I feel like I'll always be here.
  8. I miss you so much, Michelle.
    It should have always been us, Misha and Twig. But now it's just me and what's left of you in my heart. The longer you're gone, the harder it is to hold onto you.
  9. But I won't let you go. I'll keep you in my heart for as long as I can, I promise.
    It's the least I can do.
  10. I miss you, Misha, and I love you even more.
    I'm sorry. You know what for. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.