THAT THING I DO: A LIST ABOUT MELODRAMA AND ANGST

  1. Despite the positive, outgoing façade I may project outwardly, I'm actually really insecure and socially awkward.
    Like so much so on the social part that last week a patient asked me if I have Aspergers, which upset me both because she was hitting a sore spot for me and also because she was implying that having such a condition was something insulting.
  2. Anyway, it's always been very hard for me to make friends and even harder to keep them.
    I've got very few friends, and I have more than one story of a "best friend" deciding that they just don't want to be friends anymore. I've always been very easy to let go of. I'm difficult to be friends with and even harder to love.
  3. It's why I have such a hard time trusting people.
    I must MOSTLY trust someone, but not completely. There's always a part of me waiting for them to turn on me, and I always think of relationships of any kind as finite. Like Alanis Morissette says, "you will learn to lose everything, we are temporary arrangements."
  4. It's not even really anyone else's fault. I'm the issue, and I've known for a long time.
    I've been told for as long as I can remember all the things that are wrong about me, and when enough people tell me the same things, they have to be true.
  5. Mostly I'm used to it.
    I'm very independent and do most things alone, and I'm proud of that. I go to the movies alone. I go shopping alone. Just last night I went to the ER alone and wasn't even planning to tell anyone I was there.
  6. I'm difficult to deal with. Sometimes I don't feel things enough while at others I feel them too much.
    I'm clingy. I'll smother you because I'm afraid that you'll see me as I am and toss me to the side.
  7. I spend so much time over-analyzing every little social interaction and chastising myself for all the ways I perceive them as being inadequate.
    And I'll think about it for a long time probably.
  8. I miss my friends.
    I miss my friends from high school who stopped talking to me because I expected an apology from one of them. I miss my friend Jenn, who was my best friend and who just cut me out one day after class and never spoke to me again. I miss Joel, the first guy I ever really felt close to. I miss Andres, who was more like a brother and who didn't need me anymore. And I miss the man I don't talk about a lot because it's too painful, but he changed me; I needed him more than anyone.
  9. These are just a few. Now I don't let myself feel this strongly for people.
    There's always going to be a wall there between us, as cliché as that sounds. I've made myself a fortress, and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to let anyone else in. I'm worried I won't be.
  10. Tonight's just been rough.
    I feel like I messed up a burgeoning friendship, and I'm so frustrated with myself.
  11. I miss feeling normal.
    I miss feeling like someone who could actually have the things I've always wanted and used to actively seek though don't anymore.
  12. Sorry. I just thought I'd feel better if I got this out.
    I don't. Mostly I just want to cry. I'm probably going to delete this list eventually.
  13. Thanks for listening, List friends.