THE GIFTS IN THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, RANKED

What a weird song, am I right?
  1. 7.
    6 geese a-laying
    Why are so many of these gifts birds? Birds are terrifying. If someone tried to give me a bird for Christmas, I'd kick them the hell out and never invite them over again. Geese are one of the most terrifying birds alive, so they get the last spot.
  2. 6.
    7 swans a-swimming
    In addition to being so scary, swans are dangerous. A grown swan can break an adult human's arm with its wings. Why would you want ONE swan, let alone SEVEN of them?
  3. 5.
    3 French hens and 4 calling birds
    More birds. Can you imagine this house after the 12 days are over? So many birds and people just all over the place. What a nightmare.
  4. 4.
    Any gift that is made up of human beings.
    Since when is it customary to give people as gifts? It's so unsettling if you really think about it. It begs the question, what kind of authority does the gift giver have to bestow such gifts on the recipient?
  5. 3.
    2 turtle doves
    Doves are slightly less terrifying than most birds. They're kind of peaceful.
  6. 2.
    A partridge in a pear tree
    To be honest, I'm not totally sure what a partridge is, just that it's a bird (what a surprise). But at least you get the pear tree with it. That's something, right?
  7. 1.
    5 golden rings
    By far the best one simply because it's not a bird or a person. I don't know what I'd do with so many golden rings though. Probably sell them.