THE GIFTS IN THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, RANKED
What a weird song, am I right?
- •6 geese a-layingWhy are so many of these gifts birds? Birds are terrifying. If someone tried to give me a bird for Christmas, I'd kick them the hell out and never invite them over again. Geese are one of the most terrifying birds alive, so they get the last spot.
- •7 swans a-swimmingIn addition to being so scary, swans are dangerous. A grown swan can break an adult human's arm with its wings. Why would you want ONE swan, let alone SEVEN of them?
- •3 French hens and 4 calling birdsMore birds. Can you imagine this house after the 12 days are over? So many birds and people just all over the place. What a nightmare.
- •Any gift that is made up of human beings.Since when is it customary to give people as gifts? It's so unsettling if you really think about it. It begs the question, what kind of authority does the gift giver have to bestow such gifts on the recipient?
- •2 turtle dovesDoves are slightly less terrifying than most birds. They're kind of peaceful.
- •A partridge in a pear treeTo be honest, I'm not totally sure what a partridge is, just that it's a bird (what a surprise). But at least you get the pear tree with it. That's something, right?
- •5 golden ringsBy far the best one simply because it's not a bird or a person. I don't know what I'd do with so many golden rings though. Probably sell them.