THINGS I HATE ABOUT VARIOUS HOLIDAYS (IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER)
Because I am in a surly mood and was thinking about what a sham Valentine's Day is even though it's been three days already since I had endure that bullshit.
- •New Year's DaySauerkraut is my least favorite food. Seriously, it's absolutely awful, and the smell is just as bad. I don't even like to be in the same room as it. On this past New Year's Day, someone in my building was making it, and you could smell it everywhere. It was the worst.
- •Valentine's DayWhat a crock of shit. The only good Valentine's Day I've ever had was in 2007 when I was 19. I had a snow day (in college, which was supposed to be an anomaly only wasn't really), and my friends and I went sled riding. I actually injured myself in an unfortunate sled riding accident, but it was still fun.
- •St. Patrick's DayGiven my Irish heritage, I should love this day, but kids are dicks and ruined it for me by pinching me EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR EVEN IF I WAS WEARING GREEN. They would say it wasn't the right shade or some bullshit. Assholes.
- •EasterThe Easter Bunny used to terrify me (more on that later as I am making a list about it to post closer to Easter). My sister used to be afraid of the tooth fairy (which might have had something to do with the fact that my dad once told her that the tooth fairy makes necklaces out of the teeth, which is a fairly macabre image. But mostly we were just weird kids).
- •April Fool's DayLiterally the worst day of the year. Again, kids are dicks and ruined his by always playing mean tricks on me, and then one year my sister - with the help of my family - played an elaborate "joke" on me. Still not totally over that. Seriously though, do not prank me because if you do I will punch you in the face.
- •Memorial DayI don't even feel like this is a real holiday.
- •July 4thFireworks used to scare me. Once a piece of firework landed on me as a child and apparently traumatized me.
- •Labor DaySee Memorial Day. Also this always falls around my birthday (it IS my birthday this year), so I have to share it with some holiday that I don't even totally understand. Like what is it commemorating? Whose labor?
- •HalloweenI am too old to trick r treat without children, and I don't have children to use as a cover. That plus the fact that I rarely get invited to Halloween parties means I have no reason to dress up. Also one Halloween when I was 22 is why I can't drink vodka anymore.
- •ThanksgivingI have food anxiety, and this is a holiday based around gluttony (plus some sugarcoated, fairy tale version of how we stole this country from the Native American people). Plus I don't eat meat, so having a giant turkey on the table does nothing for me.
- •Christmas EveMy family used to have party on Christmas Eve, but not anymore. Also Christmas Eve of 2010 is why I can't drink Christmas Ale anymore (apparently holidays ruin alcoholic beverages for me). Seriously, I was wasted by 2, throwing up by 3, passed out by 5, and hungover by 7.
- •ChristmasChristmas makes me very sad these days.
- •New Year's EveI almost never have someone to kiss. And I can't help but think that I wasted another year of my life.