ON ADMITTING DEFEAT.

Probably the most personal list I'll ever write.
  1. When I started college about 3 years ago, this sudden gray cloud and feeling of constant emptiness swept over me.
    I didn't understand why at the time. My therapist thinks it was the sudden lifestyle change and disconnection I experienced after graduating high school.
  2. It took me about a year to break down and acknowledge that I needed help.
  3. Therapy was hard.
    It's hard to be open with a stranger. It was hard to open up and admit my shortcomings.
  4. But I did everything my therapist advised me to do and ended up feeling better.
    Went out with friends, met up with old ones. Basically tried to go connect myself with people more. I was lonely.
  5. Since then, I've had moments where I thought I was going back, but I always pulled through.
  6. But these past few weeks have been rough. And no matter all the positive things that have happened, I still feel.....empty.
    I became a founding member of a new sorority on campus, got voted as the secretary, got a B+ on my hardest midterm, found someone to sublease the apartment I currently live in that I hate, and my job and my relationship with my guy is great. None of this has made me happy.
  7. It's INFURIATING to think that I "have it all" and can't appreciate it. It's not fair.
  8. So I've decided to go back to therapy.
    And I have to accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
  9. I always hear that depression can't be cured, only treated. But of course, I expected more out of myself, as I always do.
  10. I've climbed my way out once, so I know I can do it again.
  11. I just wish I didn't have to.