My Ideal Level of Fame

  1. I am brought up in the meeting where they talk about the next possible Dancing with the Stars contestants
    And the whole room responds, "Who?"
  2. I attend red carpet events and am good friends with A listers, but end up cropped out of the picture featured in People magazine
    "Look! That's my shoulder! That's me talking to Mindy Kaling! I swear! We go to the gym together!! We're talking about our spin instructor!!"
  3. I am Mindy Kaling's gym buddy
    We go to spin class together in our color complimenting ensembles, take a bike in the back row, marvel at the hot Real Housewives in the front row, and drool over Malcolm, the incredibly chiseled and racially ambiguous instructor
  4. I have awesome writer friends who let me read their scripts and give my honest feedback
    Even though I have absolutely no clout to hold an opinion. They don't listen to me, but I'm still flattered.
  5. I live next to some famous celebrity who is half my age yet twice the adult I am at any given moment
    The paparazzi bombards this poor heartthrob forming a convenient funnel for me to get to my front door avoiding the busy, congested streets. We both climb the stairs of our brownstones (yes, I'm rich enough to afford a brownstone) and pause for just a moment as we slip our keys into our locks. We glance over at each other, catching eyes. We both let out a sigh, thinking to ourselves "their life must be amazing." We disappear into our homes and exchange pleasantries the following morning.
  6. I have paparazzi...sort of.
    He's an intern at TMZ who got stuck following me. His name is Josh.
  7. I put up a front that Josh is intrusive and inconsiderate of my private life
    Plot Twist: I love the attention. Remember, it was just a front!
  8. We develop a friendship
    He explains he's a recent graduate from photography school just trying to get by. I make a deal with him.
  9. We exchange numbers. I text Josh what days I plan on doing something newsworthy for my 3 fans (excluding my mom) and he tells me what other celebrities are taking their dogs for a walk thru Central Park so I can run into them on a jog that I just so happen to take at that exact same time.
    For the price of one, Josh gets pictures of my glistening self and Olivia Wilde
  10. Josh gets promoted
    He now photographs Kiera Knightley and has since lost my number
  11. If I get coffee with an A list hunk who I am failing to play it cool with, the caption is "Kit Harrington New Mystery Girl! He's Dating a Commoner"...
    Or something to that effect
  12. I know where the SNL after parties are
    I occasionally attend and internally scream for 3 hours over Old Fashioneds. Nobody knows who the creepy girl in the corner is. Colin Jost asks to be escorted home tonight.
  13. I have Vince Vaughn's phone number
    Doesn't matter how I got it, but I have access to it