One Time Some Drunk Guy Drew a Dick on my Car with Sharpie

This is how the conversation with the police went when I was filing an insurance claim
  1. The Proof in the Pudding
  2. Me: *embarrassed by the artwork and trying to be as dignified as possible in this process* "Hi good morning, Officer, I would like to file an insurance claim! My car seems to have been vandalized overnight and I just want to make sure I get it on record in case I need to have it repainted"
  3. Officer: *apathetically* "okay let me get my forms"
  4. Officer: "Was it gang related? We've had an issue with this in the past"
  5. Me: *laughs* "No, it's most definitely not gang related. It just looks like someone was drunk and drew on a bunch of cars on my block"
  6. Officer: "I still need to know what was drawn for our records"
  7. Me: *damn it* *awkwardly* "um..it was a uhh..like a phal...phallic type image or something?"
  8. Officer: "A what?"
  9. Me: "Like a phallic kind of thi...it was a human anatomy drawing or sorts"
  10. Officer: "Can you be more descriptive, please?"
  11. Me: "Male anatomy? Genital...male genitalia kind of"
  12. Officer: *looks puzzled*
  13. Me: "A dick. It's a dick on my car!"
  14. Officer: "You're telling me you have a penis on your car."
  15. Me: "I have a penis on my car. Yes."
  16. Officer: *awkwardly* "Okay. Um. Is there any writing with it that may be gang related?"
  17. Me: "I really don't think it's gang related. These weren't very original or mature vandals"
  18. Officer: "Again, just for the records, what did it say?"
  19. Me: "I heart penis"
  20. Officer: "Great. Anything else?"
  21. Me: "Nope"
  22. Officer: "Great we'll send this to you in a few days"
  23. Me: "Cool. Bye."
  24. Me: *runs back to my dickmobile and scrubs off the image with mr. clean magic erasers in the rain*