5 American Heroes Who Were Frauds
These frauds went down in history as American heroes, though in all actuality, they were frauds.
- •Neil ArmstrongNeil Armstrong never went to the moon. He had a body double by the name Nile Handstrength go in his stead. Armstrong thought picking somebody who had a similar name was more important than somebody who physically looked like him. He was an idiot. He spent the night of July 21, 1969 in a brothel while Nile Handstrength stepped the famous steps on the moon. Nile died on the moon along with the other two astronaut body doubles.
- •George WashingtonContrary to popular belief, George Washington was never actually president of the United States. He was First Emperor of the Washington Republic, Guardian of the Realm. The tyrant Emperor Washington was eventually deposed by his own men when he ordered the decapitation of every other man named George. His rule was short and when he died everybody decided to praise him as a good president so history would smile upon the creation of the United States.
- •Johnny CashJohnny Cash, AKA "The Reno Watcher" was a serial killer in Reno, Nevada before he was ever a country music superstar. Legend has it he would shoot a man for no other reason than to watch him die. This sick bastard even included this lyric in one of his most famous songs. He is still nationally and globally beloved.
- •Davy CrockettCrockett is famous for being among the last Americans defending the Alamo when the Mexican army began their final assault on the coveted Texas fortress. He is revered as a hero despite the fact he failed his only mission. The Alamo was taken. He lost.
- •My neighbor JoshThat asshole Josh WILLFULLY took credit for calling the super of our apartment complex to fix the elevator when he KNOWS that it was me. Fuck you, Josh. Rachel if you're reading this, it was me who called Sodhani to fix the elevator. Do not go out with Josh. He is a liar. I am your true hero. I demand praise.