Things I Overheard in the Coffee Shop Today

  1. "Dude today I listened to children of bodom. They rule"
  2. "Yeah. I listen to megadeth a lot these days."
  3. "Excuse me could you refill this water carafe when you have the chance?"
  4. "I mean David Bowie's new album is good but...you know?"
  5. "Uh...excuse me. We're having a private conversation. Do you know this guy?"
  6. "Just ignore him, man."
  7. "List app?"
  8. "Dude just ignore him."
  9. "So anyways....yeah David Bowie is-- dude come on you can't pull up a chair. I don't give a shit about your list."
  10. "Let's just get out of here."
  11. "Alright."
  12. "I've never been here before but I've heard great things. I think I'll try the-- oh for fuck's sake he fucking followed us here."
  13. "Stop typing everything I'm saying please! Jesus what is your problem man?"
  14. "That's it I'm calling the police."
  15. "Dude just chill."
  16. "No man I'm calling the cops. For real."
  17. "Yes hi officer I'm the one who called earlier. That man there has been following us for the better part of an hour writing everything down for something called list app."
  18. "Alright buddy that's enough. Come with me."
  19. "Do you have any weapons on you sir?"
  20. "Okay you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and have an attorney present during questioning. Do you have any questions of me at this time?"
  21. "Okay I'll take that as a no. Please follow me sir. And I'll need to take your phone at this point for processing."
  22. "Okay your bail has been met. Please report back here on this date for your arraignment. Have a good day."
  23. "Dude what the fuck. Why did I just pay $500 to bail you out for harassment?"
  24. "The list app. The goddamn list app. Give it up man. You'll never make it on there. BJ Novak will never relist you. Just give it up."
  25. "Good I'm glad you're writing this in your list. Maybe then you'll read it and the words will sink in. You're not cut out for that app."
  26. "That's it. I'm taking you to a mental health institution. It's for your own good man. I'm sick of this."
  27. "Hi there Tyler, I'm Dr. Green. Your friend tells me you make "lists". I think that's great. Now do you prefer a padded cell or a regular cell? Padded, wonderful. Come right this way. And I'll need your phone from you at this point."
  28. "Okay here's your phone back, Tyler. Make sure to take your medication every other day and feel free to call us if you have any questions."
  29. "Hey, man. It's good to see you. You look a lot better. I think it really work--- oh my god are you still writing in that goddamn app? For fuck's sake man you're ruining your life!"
  30. "I talked to your mother the other day. You know what she said when I asked her about her son? She said "what son." Yeah. How does that feel? This app is alienating your own family."
  31. "I'm done with you man. You can't stay with me anymore. Get out of the car. Get out. I'm serous. Have a good life."
  32. "Excuse me, sir. You can't sleep on this bench. Move along please. Sir. Sir get up and move along I won't ask you again. Thanks."
  33. "Tommy! Tommy look! It's a dead guy!"
  34. "Ew no he's not dead! He's slowly typing on his phone."
  35. "He just wrote what I said!"
  36. "Let's get out of here this guy creeps me out."
  37. "(Birds gathering, chirping)"
  38. "(Deafening silence, blackness)"