MY COMMUTE: BY THE NUMBERS

It's Monday, mofos.
  1. Traffic lights: 5
  2. Times I can listen to Sorry Latino Remix: 2 exactly
  3. Bagel shops tempting me from the wrong side of the highway: 2
  4. Jug handles that would allow me to turn the fuck around and go back to bed: 3
  5. Bars I believe to be haunted by the ghost of my high school gym teacher, Mr. Fleming: 1