Things I Want to Say to Some Non-vietnamese Peeps in Vietnamese Restaurants

who happen to be random strangers
  1. "Excuse me, might you like some recommendations on what to order? Please, let me help you."
  2. "For the love of God, please don't order the stir-fried noodles."
  3. "For the love of God, please don't order the stir-fried vegetables."
  4. "Vietnamese-style caramelized lemongrass pork is the best pork you will have EVER eaten. Don't order beef."
  5. "Even Japanese pork belly sucks compared to Vietnamese pork belly."
  6. "See the plate of FRESH BASIL AND BEAN SPROUTS that come with your phở?? You have to put those delicious herbalicious veggies into your phở, otherwise you are eating it all wrong. All f***ing wrong."
  7. "Please use your handy spoon instead of eating your phở noodle by noodle. You're killing me."