Trying to Unravel and Understand the Events of My Weekend

i usually don't talk about really personal things going on in my life on social media but right now i don't really have anyone to turn to in person about things that have just happened and i don't know many people in person on list app but i know it is a safe space but even if no one reads this it's okay i just need to work it out;tw sexual assault
  1. so things in the romantic sphere of my life have been really fucking complicated recently
    when are they not for anyone though
  2. and i had a really difficult conversation with a guy who i used to be involved with until a couple months ago but it's been complicated because there have been unacknowledged lingering feelings on both sides and we had been maintaining a friendship under the falsity of a purely platonic nature
  3. the conversation ended horribly and left with him being very upset with me, mostly due to the fact i'm not good at talking in these kinds of conversations and i get very anxious and find it hard to say anything at all
  4. my friend had invited me to a small event in an apt in brooklyn where people "show and tell" any type of art in a kind of open mic situation and it was with a crowd of people i don't usually hang out with so i thought it would be good to get away from my usual friend group that night
    the person i had said shitty conversation with is part of my close friend group
  5. the show and tell was really cool and i met a bunch of new people. there was this one guy i was talking to for a while who was really nice and funny and we were bantering and having a good time and we were all drinking and smoking
  6. when i was getting ready to leave that guy asked me if i wanted to get a drink at a bar by his place. i was already kind of drunk but i really wanted to forget about the conversation i had before so i said yes
  7. we rode the subway with a couple other people from the party i met until we got to the stop near his place. then it was just us and we went to this bar and got more drinks.
    i'd had two 40s of corona at the show and tell along with a little more than a few hits of a joint
  8. by the time we left the bar i'd had another g&t, a shot of tequila, and another half a beer. i also had only eaten one meal that day at about 3pm and it was almost 2 in the morning by that point
    i am also a relatively small female of asian descent
  9. we walked back to his apt which was just a couple blocks away and my head was feeling pretty heavy but we started making out, which was a conscious decision of mine
  10. but a few minutes into the making out the heaviness started turning into an in and out of blacking out and somehow i was already naked and we were having sex.
  11. after he finished i grabbed my phone from my bag and went to the bathroom because i was feeling really sick. i was over the toilet for a while and i texted my friend saying i was feeling really sick and he called me and asked where i was and he would come get me and i was whispering semi-coherently because i didn't want this guy to hear me
  12. i was in the bathroom for a while i think and i threw up and the guy was calling out to me asking if i was okay and i couldn't respond so he knocked on the door. i managed to get up and leave the bathroom and said i was okay, i just got sick and it was so embarrassing and that i was so sorry
    and he said it was okay and not to be sorry, it happens to the best of us
  13. my head was so heavy at this point and i felt myself falling back onto the couch where we were hooking up and as it was happening i knew it was a bad idea but i couldn't move
  14. he came and lied down next to me and put his arm around my body. i thought he just thought we were going to sleep so it was okay but then he started making out with me again
    i remember in my head not wanting to kiss him because my breath was gross because i had just thrown up and i feel like i was pretty reluctant about kissing him but i couldn't say anything because i was so drunk and still blacking out in bursts
  15. the next thing i can remember we were having sex again but i remember just wanting it to be over and it kind of hurt because i wasn't really wet and i could hear my phone buzzing next to me because my friend was calling me because he was outside the apartment but i couldn't move so i just waited for him to finish
  16. after he finished he got up to go to the bathroom and i saw the missed calls on my phone and a text from my friend saying he was outside but couldn't get into the apt
  17. i tried to find all my clothes as fast as possible because i wanted to leave immediately and i couldn't find my underwear or my jacket but i just decided to forget about them
  18. the guy came out of the bathroom and asked if i was okay and i said yea i was just feeling sick still and didn't want to keep throwing up in his apt and he asked if i was sure and if i was calling a cab and i said yes and good night and i left
  19. my friend that i called and another one of our friends were outside and i remember just walking past them and over to a tree because i felt like i was going to throw up again and it was raining and cold and i was shivering
  20. i couldn't throw up anymore and i was just kneeling there and i felt so empty all of a sudden and i started crying but they hailed a cab and brought me in and i cried most of the way back to our building
  21. i talked to the friend i had called about what happened when we reached our building but i was still kind of drunk and we also have a complicated relationship and i was still crying and i remember hearing him start crying too
  22. so right now i'm just feeling very sad and empty because i didn't think this would ever happen to me. and i don't feel like i want to do anything against this guy even though he raped me because he seemed like a good guy before and i don't even think he realizes he raped me because he was also really drunk i think
  23. i'm not angry at him really. i don't even hate him at all. i'm just confused because when i go through what happened i know i was not in the mental capacity to consent and i didn't but it didn't seem black and white in the moment because there wasn't really any other violence and i didn't feel unsafe around him before
  24. i'm just sad and feeling alone and small and have a little less love for myself and am trying to do my best to not feel like that but it's really hard. i also have depression and it makes it really hard to talk about things like these and i especially feel like the more i talk about it the less valid it's going to be which i know is an irrational
    feeling and not true but i'm already starting to feel ashamed of this list
  25. and i've avoiding my friend group because of everything that's happening in my romantic sphere and i just feel very alone and i've been trying not to think about all these things for the past couple days and repressing them but i feel like i'm going to burst