What's Ruined Halloween Forever

  1. Professional Cosplay
    Remember when Halloween was a plastic face held on with a rubber band and your costume was two steps away from pajamas? Professional Cosplay has raised the bar to such dizzying heights that my eight year old expects his costume to come with jet packs.
  2. Teenagers
    If you are taller than me, and mutter "cheap bastard" in baritone disgust when I hand you smarties, it's no longer fun.
  3. "The holiday season"
    Halloween has become the gunshot that begins the frantic race towards the new year. It is the first jewel in the triple crown of entitlement where we measure joy in the depth of our sanctioned, religious themed Bacchanal gorging.
  4. The the melodramatic ennui of millennial horror.
    Sparkling vampires. Need I say more?
  5. The selfie
    It used to be that Halloween was a social event where you "go" to be seen. It was remarkable in its ability to draw out the shyest introvert, and ingenious in its homespun creative execution. Not only have selfies rendered this interaction obsolete, but they have pushed outrageous couture into a mundane expression of boredom. When you dress everyday like its Halloween, it's not.