A FEW THANK YOUS ARE IN ORDER
Another "while it's going up in flames..." list on this fine Wednesday 😎
- •If I were doing a list of thank you's for all the general kindness and encouragement shown to me on this app, this list would go on forever, and I'd need drafts for that, SO. In just a general sense - If we're close, I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. If we're not, chances are I've at least enjoyed knowing you here.
- •I want to do a few thank you's right now for specific people who were supportive of me (or at least indirectly so by being opposed to something or someone else) within this community during my time here.
- •I'm a creep (oh by the way @imacreep exists - popped up around the same time as the others, but they never made use of it) and so I've paid close attention here and noticed lots of little things, whether they were little kindnesses or little cruelties. And I want to acknowledge some small & large kindness directed my way. SO, here goes:
- •OH also - because some people's lists are gone (or gone from public view now) I won't be able to link to everything I want to. SIGH.
- •1. Thank you @mirthnuts for doing the list "Petition to get (me) back on List app" - it was something my ex showed me right around this time a year ago, shortly after I deleted my first account. The fact that you cared enough to actually make that list and encourage people to sign it will always mean so much to me.
- •2. Thank you @biz, who defended me in the comments section of 1 of her lists right around that same time, which again was shown to me by my ex. That was the moment when I learned that friendships made in this place were real. That they COULD be real. I will never forget you. I will walk for you every year for the rest of my life.I promise you that someday I'll make a pilgrimage to your town and pay my respects. We miss you and love you so much.
- •3. Thank you @jesse_freakin_rogers for writing this list How @nathanveshecco Saved The List App (or List as it seems to be called now) that I certainly don't deserve but will always be so grateful to have read. I can't believe that you saw me that way, and I'm so honored that you did.
- •4. Thank you @DawnCloud @jhope71 & @mallofamanda for standing up in the comments of the list "Hollow Words From A Sad Boy" (you guys can look it up) and voicing your concern about the unnecessary cruelty of the list, which he kept barely anonymous enough to not be reported.
- •(Con't) It was written shortly after I made this account, with the express purpose of threatening me and reminding me that I'm unwelcome here, and in that awful late summer/early fall of cruelty, it was obviously one of the worst moments. The fact that you three were willing to tell it like it is with your comments really meant a lot to me.
- •5. Thank you to the small handful of people from the Facebook group chat who ended up changing their minds, reconsidering the negative things they'd thought about me, and reaching out to me to make peace. Which for awhile, didn't even seem possible.
- •This includes someone who reached out yesterday, and said these things which meant a lot to me to hear: "I apologize for mixing up bullies and bullied" and "but I wasn't fooled that long before I came to my senses."
- •The truth is, I've had months to be angry at the people who never liked me on spec to begin with, who hated that I dated their friend (including the ringleader of the chat and the parody accounts, who viewed my ex as a *thing* he felt he had claimed before me, as opposed to a grown woman w/ autonomy whose choices - dating & otherwise - should be......respected, instead of just assuming "What! She dated that sad boy instead of me?? He must be a manipulative genius! Using his sad music to win her over!" Nope, she's just a grown adult (you should try being one) who made a decision like a grown adult, something she admits now even though at the time she leaned on your rabid, defensive support because she was lonely and felt she had no other friends).
- •But my anger at my ex didn't sink in until after we cleared the air about the group chat & tried to make peace. It was only then that I began to hear her trash talk & throw under the bus these people who had been SO cruel to me on her behalf, who had done things that resulted in my mother & I GOING TO THE HOSPITAL from the stress of it all...
- •...that I began to see her absence of character and respect for anyone. She referred to them as garbage people, as nasty, rotten monsters, as a cult, as a pack of wolves with a new enemy every five minutes. She cited her loneliness and lack of other friends as the only reason that she went along with what they did. And it made me SO ANGRY.It also made me laugh at what suckers they are, Mr Hollow Words list and Ms. Selfies Because Fuck You list and Mr. I Was Blocked By Chris K For ___ list - because they have such a deep confidence that this person they've resorted to monstrousness in defense of adores and appreciates them, when really she doesn't give a true shit about them at all. They have no idea the amount of trash she's talked about them. Their friendships are friendships of convenience and personal gain for her. That's all.
- •So yes, I've been very angry. And, in the interest of the open listing I've always done on this app, I don't mind sharing with you guys: I *have* been a bit of a bully, too. To her, very recently, with a couple angry texts and emails. I've been bitter, and petty, and cruel in my own way (even if it could never match the cruelty of her friends).
- •I guess what I thought would just be a simple thank you list to people who have supported me when I've felt bullied...is actually something more complicated too. It's me taking a moment, as an individual on this app who some of you now know so well as "a dude who's been bullied," saying that we can all be bullies sometimes, even without knowing it.
- •I'm sorry for the few times in my life I've been one, including most recently out of anger about my own situation. I hope that my sharing of my story here/in other lists, as well as your consideration of the other ppl involved, serves as a good reminder of this: Hurt people hurt people. Let's never forget it. Let's try to be less monstrous, y'all.
- •Thank you again to the people who have spoken up and shown up on my behalf, to the people who have reconsidered me, to the people who acknowledge that I'm flawed but still generally a good person. I will try to practice in the world the level of kindness and patience you've shown me.