Reasons I'm Like This

Inspired by @ShawnKelly and everyone else
  1. Because I never got that shot for whooping cough
  2. Because my dad wheeled in on me when I was discovering how to masturbate at age 11
  3. Because I deeply related to Kevin in Home Alone
  4. Because I accidentally bought "girls' shoes" for gym class one year
  5. Because I got back to Drummond's house after hanging out with this person who was using me for my car, and all my friends were gathered in the basement and Cheng asked, "How was driving your date to her date?" and they all laughed hard
  6. Because the ninja turtle I want to be is Michaelangelo but the ninja turtle I am is Raphael
  7. Because my one movie theatre manager walked up to me at an employee meeting and touched my stomach and said, "Either someone's having a rough summer or you're pregnant" and they all laughed hard
  8. Because I was singing once on the school bus and this girl said she liked it and I was all like, "Oh!"
  9. Because I snuck a viewing of Pulp Fiction when my dad wasn't home when I was in seventh grade
    Don't wanna ever be anybody's Gimp guys
  10. Because Ren & Stimpy was my favorite cartoon
  11. Because of all the aspartame probably
  12. Because I should've had a dog but instead I had a turtle
  13. Because I was the dumbest of the smart kids
  14. Because during my teenage years, my dad had unbelievable back pain and spasms and had to spend most of his time in bed
  15. Because my AIM screen name was Mothra48
  16. Because I dropped out of college twice
  17. Because I thought it was "a doggy dog world" until Aaron Sorkin corrected me
  18. Because I discovered The Beatles at exactly the right time
  19. Because they cast me as a Jet when I wanted to be a Shark
  20. Because I am #betrothed to pizza
  21. Because social media means everything to me and also means nothing to me
  22. Because I have man boobs
  23. Because of dodgeball
  24. Because of Lost
  25. Because of List