TIPS FOR DETERRING GREENPEACERS FROM HASSLING YOU ON THE STREET

I have had to pass the Greenpeace fundraisers almost everyday this year on my way to class. Maybe it's because I'm in DC, but the force is strong with these ones, & I developed some tactics to avoid unwanted attention. I think it reached a breaking point when one yelled, "Have fun killing the rainforests!" as I entered Starbucks after ignoring him.
  1. Don't make eye contact
    This one is obvious. It's the same thing I've done almost my entire life to avoid having to say hi to people (in the hallways in high school, at soccer tournaments where I half-know too many people, in my own home when I don't want my dog to engage me in any kind of activity, etc.)
  2. Wear headphones
    Again, obvious. This is a tactic familiar to people who want to avoid conversations with roommates, women who want to fend off hopeful suitors on public transportation, anybody who is actually listening to music, etc.
  3. Walk fast and as far away from them as possible
    Self-explanatory.
  4. Feign a coughing attack
    The meeker fundraisers will be put off by any or all of the first three actions, but most greenpeacers are far from meek. They will still try to engage you and may even power walk a little while trying to shove a pamphlet into your folded arms (body language has no effect on them). This is when you start a violent, hacking coughing spell, preferably directed toward your pursuer (without using your arm as a barrier).
  5. Confront them
    If trying to ignore them doesn't work, use the element of surprise and confront them head on. This could put them on their heels just long enough for you to get away. As they shout, "Did you know we are overfishing the ocean and soon many species will be gone?" just yell back, "Did you know that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer?" Ignore the fact that you are kind of disturbed and intrigued to hear more about this overfishing and what it will mean for your penchant for sea bass in the future.