Drunk History: Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal

SORRY FOR THE DELAY
  1. Alright kids let's go back in time to 2011. I think? Around then.
  2. Taylor Swift already had a decent string of exes and failed hookups.
  3. Joe Jonas dumping her on the phone was perhaps the most iconic.
  4. But she also dated Taylor Lautner and they were in that Valentine's Day movie together and it was bad.
  5. I would never date someone with the same name as me, FYI.
  6. And she also had sex with John Mayer once and wrote "Dear John" about it. It is not the best song on Speak Now, but ok.
  7. ALSO on Speak Now is "Enchanted." I don't know for a fact that it's about Jake Gyllenhaal but I like to imagine it is.
  8. ANYWAY
  9. So Jake is a sexy single movie star and his sister Maggie lives in Brooklyn.
  10. Somehow he and Taylor meet and start dating.
  11. Again, idk how, but I like to imagine it's like the song Enchanted.
  12. Cue Taylor and Jake tramping around Brooklyn together and getting photographed all the time.
  13. True love.
  14. During this time Jake was spotted on the Q train a million times which is the train that goes to my house. But I was at college so I never saw him. I regret this to this day.
  15. Anyway, Taylor and Jake got maple lattes one day, which the paparazzi and gossip rags were obsessed with.
  16. For real this is the only thing that comes up when you google maple lattes.
  17. Ok so they break up and Taylor releases Red in 2012, which is a gr8888 album.
  18. And most of the songs are about Jake, except for that one song about the Kennedys because she dated that one boring Kennedy and I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In which is about Harry Styles (though all other Harry songs are on 1989)
  19. And part of the reason we know all these songs are about Jake is because in the booklet with the lyrics all these weird letters are capitalized to spell out code words, like, for instance MAPLE LATTES and something about how they're both Sagittarius.
  20. Now the best song on this album/best Taylor Song is "All Too Well" which really documents the saga of their relationship
  21. In particular it documents the scarf incident.
  22. Taylor sings toward the beginning "and I left my scarf there at your sister's house and you've still got it in a drawer even now."
  23. OK so there are paparazzi photos of this!!!
  24. Here's Taylor and Jake walking and she has the scarf
  25. And then they went to Maggie's house and she exited without the scarf
  26. There are pictures of this that I saw on tumblr once but I can't find them right now please this is real
  27. Ok and later in the song she says "and you keeps my scarf from that very first week because it reminds you of innocence and smells like me"
  28. AND JAKE WORE THE SCARF
  29. AHHHHH
  30. AHHHHHH
  31. AHHHHHHHHH
  32. Some people think that line about innocence means Taylor lost her virginity to Jake but first off that's a dumb heteronormative concept and second I thought everyone knew she banged Mayer so idk
  33. Anyway that's really it.
  34. Listen to All Too Well, the best Taylor Swift song, for more heartbreaking tidbits
  35. If I ever meet Jake I will ask about this song
  36. But really in my heart I know Taylor and Jake belong together
  37. My friend works at the soulcycle where he works out all the time
  38. And once he bought cupcakes at the store where I used to work
  39. I wasn't there
  40. Update: I just bought tickets to see Jake in Sunday in the Park with George in February.