Compliments That I Always Think of as Secret Insults

Um but please don't stop giving me compliments, even/esp these ones.
  1. "You are very self-aware." Just the slightly disconcerted tone people use. First of all 1) if I'm self-aware I know that already, and 2) stop sounding worried; I'm not SKYNET.
  2. Great cheekbones/eyebrows. Please never stop saying this but know that i will be going home and looking in the mirror wondering "what happened that no one is talking about my rack anymore??"
  3. "You seem very 'up' today." Yo let's not tiptoe...even my kindergarten teacher knew that shit was called Hyper.
  4. "You are so prolific at blogging!" = LOL
  5. And also "yeah but if you didn't use spellcheck or copyedit or fact check, you could be too!"
  6. "I love your style." = you love how much I make you feel put together.
  7. "How are you even alive?" Um I have a system.
  8. "You look healthy." f*ck you too, mom. I see you've been eating well, too.