Deal Breakers That Actually Aren't

I don't really keep a list of habits or traits that turn me off, but I always have issues with other people's deal breakers. Maybe deal breakers are my deal breaker?
  1. "Chewing with your mouth open"
    Uh who are you psychos looking at someone's mouth when they eat? Of course seeing chewed up food being digested is disgusting: that's why I try to read a book instead of making small talk when I eat.
  2. "Too loud/annoying"
    Am I just using examples that have historically been applied to me? Sure. That doesn't lessen the For Realness that being loud or persistent or annoying doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, it's been my observation that a lot of people are hyper because of social anxiety: if you get them one on one or feeling comfortable, they'll stop shouting to be heard.
  3. "Bad in bed"
    This is the last Cinderella fairytale myth we need to bust: that the shoe (condom) needs to fit the very first time. Like we are predicting that we will spend the rest of our life with this person, but not if we have to tell them we like it harder/softer/faster/whatever-er. Unless there is something egregiously NO-NO about their behavior in bed--like being pushy or manipulative--this isn't a deal breaker so much as a growth experience.
  4. "Different tastes in pop culture."
    "But what will we talk about if she's not into hip hop/Game of Thrones/Zelda/Marvel Universe/Reich/RENT/James Franco's oeuvre??!" Truth: it IS possible to have a deep and stimulating relationship with someone who doesn't like the same stuff you already like. Absent genre, most people don't have a list of things they will never try. A lot of people get turned off by hype/super-fans, since they create a bubble of inaccessibility. Pop that shit: as a rep for the fandom culture, that's on you.
  5. "Cocky/arrogant/stubborn"
    Um is this the description of a terrible date or every love interest you were exposed to as a child? Seriously, who is more cocky than a Disney prince or princess or Wesley from The Princess Bride (or Buttercup) or HAN SOLO?Are you saying that your dating criteria just ruled out HAN SOLO?!?? Haha, that is your loss...more Han Solo for me! Also, like the loud factor, a lot of this early arrogance can be chalked up to social stress and peacocking.
  6. "Doesn't have a sense of humor."
    Are you sure? Check again. Are you telling me if this guy saw an adorable monkey swaggering down the street only to trip and fall on a banana peel, he wouldn't laugh? Maybe what you mean is they don't have YOUR sense of humor. Maybe they've never taken a class at UCB. Maybe they've never seen Mr. Show and get zero of your references. That's okay because we don't need to "read the room" on a date: if you need a laugh track to feel good, you are in a CBS sitcom.
  7. "Doesn't text back."
    Dump his ass. What is he, an ANIMAL?! Deal breaker!