Fictional Female Characters I've Resembled During My Best Friend's Wedding
- •Kimmy SchmidtAmtrak catastrophe disrupting travel plans? No problem! This way I get to DRIVE all BY MYSELF from New York to Maryland and listen to WHATEVER I WANT!
- •KhaleesiWhen I show up to the bachelorette party and am like BOW DOWN BITCHES, BOW BOW DOWN BITCHES. You have to understand, I'm what they call a "Baltimore 10," and lead our gaggle on an epic adventure that leads to a Packaged Goods back room operation at 2 in the morning, where the proprietor refers to us as a "potpourri of sexy white women." I have a friend named Jaime and he drives us everywhere.
- •Olivia Pope"Listen to me very carefully and do EXACTLY what I say and MAYBE, just MAYBE, we'll get on top of this..." BFF has had no help planning this from her family. Day before wedding, someone had to make all the executive decisions: how to transport decorations, who takes what, THE WRITING OF THE VOWS, pulling the trigger on printing the programs, getting manicure, etc., etc. I go into a heretofore unknown BOSS LEVEL and take charge of all logistical planning.
- •Gaby Hoffman in "Transparent"When I meet up with my dad Friday evening and note his new ponytail and strangely vague references to "big changes" with a mix of wariness and resignation. Am a little disappointed to realize he's just going through another bout of catastrophic thinking about getting fired.
- •Taylor Swift in Blank Space video"Screaming, crying, perfect storm...I can make all the tables turn..." My epic, Old Testament-style meltdown when I realize I've driven an hour in wrong direction the morning of the wedding because Waze thought I wanted to go to salon in Alexandria instead of Frederick. Since I was Olivia Pope, I had all the decorations in back of my car, and was the only person bride wanted at salon. Luckily, my husband is in the car so I can make this all about US.
- •Carrie MathesonAfter arriving 2 hours late to salon, driving 90 mph and out of my fucking mind. Trying to regain Olivia Pope status, I agree that taking a BUNCH of Adderall with the bride an hour and a half before the wedding will be a FANTASTIC idea. We spend the next 90 minutes searching for bobby pins, writing the vows and guzzling Chard. I am trying to exude a sense of confidence, but I'm def getting scared looks from front desk whenever I demand a new room key "for my backup's backup."
- •Lily from @sophia's Tale of Two BestiesDuring the ceremony where I'm crying so hard (note: theme!) that even the bride's mother--a strict Israeli parent who HATED me in HS-- gets freaked out and tries to comfort me. At which point I wail "BUT I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE MEEEEE!" Mom slowly backs away, but later gives me a beautiful necklace for "taking such good care" of her daughter.
- •Hannah HorvathAt the reception, where my approach to the speech is to "wing it." My husband heckles me loudly and I have to pretend to get choked up because I lose my train of thought. "I can't believe what a good fucking friend I am," I repeatedly think to myself while handing out the last of my Xanax to various friends and family. I am def channeling @lenadunham's character, including the ambitious but ill-conceived lime green costume I've picked for the event.