Fun Facts About Montezuma's Revenge

  1. 1.
    It's THE LEAST FUN.
    I have chronic stomach problems so I thought "quickie stomach flu, no biggie, I'll lose a few pounds." NOPE.
  2. 2.
    Even if you are being SUPER CAREFUL in a nice, tourist-y part of Mexico, you will still get it.
    We should have noticed something was weird on our first day when we ended up getting a private cenotes tour because the other TEN people had food poisoning.
  3. 3.
    You will get fevers and chills and sleep for two days straight in between pooping bright green water and eventually start hallucinating.
    Like: "I think my husband is trying to kill me, let me roll over on this floor and try to crawl to the door while screaming for my mom" kind of stuff.
  4. 4.
    You will be lying in your own filth for at least part of it, no matter how nice the hotel is.
  5. 5.
    Pedolyte won't help. Cola won't help. Smoking makes you vomit. Any food--including plain slices of bread--will induce such strong stomach cramps you'll feel like someone is stabbing you with a knife.
  6. 6.
    You will realize you're not alone by the fact that you can hear your next door neighbors moaning and crying as well.
  7. 7.
    Your eyes swell shut. You can't cry because there isn't enough liquid for tears, so you just get burning migraines.
  8. 8.
    Eventually a doctor will come and shoot something in your butt that makes you sleep all day. When you wake up, you're so thirsty but feel like yourself again.
  9. 9.
    Only problem is this isn't a 24 hour bug...it can last up to 3 days. So even when you feel better, you aren't strong enough to move, your diet is limited to rice and chicken and Coca Cola, and you have to keep taking weirdo Mexican medication.
  10. 10.
    I think the worst of it is over but HOLY SHIT. This was the worst 24 hours of my life. Hopefully see you all on the flip side!